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Crankshaft, 2/21/11

Last week’s big action in Crankshaft consisted of Rose, the ’Shaft’s son-in-law’s senile, unlikable mother, leaving the house out of spite after being told not to do so, and then falling on the ice, with no one around to help her. Apparently this week will be taken up entirely by Rose lying on the pavement, presumably terribly injured, cracking wise (or perhaps cracking senile dementia) as she slowly freezes to death. Crankshaft is, of course, the “light-hearted” Funkyverse strip, so grab your popcorn and get ready for a laugh riot of gradually numbing extremities.

Apartment 3-G, 2/21/11

Every day, Lu Ann is discovering another one of the joys of dating the extremely dumb. Today she learns that you can use tired old clichés and they’ll think you’re incredibly smart and witty for coming up with them. My one regret about today’s strip is that there isn’t some audio accompaniment to make clear exactly how badly Paul botches the pronunciation of “curator.”

Dick Tracy, 2/21/11

I’m posting today’s Dick Tracy so you can compare it to Saturday’s and see that, yes, it’s just giving you the same basic information in a different sequence. This happens over and over again, forever, until the sun expands into a red giant, killing everybody. Today’s strip is mainly notable because “doze” is spelled “dose.” Presumably this is because, come on, who the hell would bother to edit Dick Tracy, though it’s possible that Dick is a closet dope fiend and is afraid to shoot up or take goofballs or whatever lest Toasterhead gain the upper hand. (The strip’s previous casual use of drug lingo may be instructive in this regard.)

Dennis the Menace, 2/21/11

OH SNAP DENNIS JUST CALLED AMERICA’S MOM A HO

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Dick Tracy, 2/20/11

Wow, do you realize that I haven’t talked about Dick Tracy’s plot in more than 10 weeks? Here’s the sum total of what’s happened in that time: it rained, Dick and his prisoner ended up in abandoned granary, and his prisoner wormed his way out of his chains. That’s it! Of course, this is Dick Tracy, so this action consisted of the same semi-comprehensible catchphrases repeated over and over again and herky-jerky chronology. I assumed, naturally, that all this action took place over about 20 minutes, but apparently it’s been going on for more than a day. It’s possible that all this crazy madness is a hallucination brought on by Dick’s sleep deprivation, but that doesn’t explain the last 40 years or so of what’s gone on in this strip.

The Lockhorns, 2/20/11

Ha ha, so yes, it seems that you can get away with “shitting oneself in fear” jokes in a family newspaper so long as the terrified being is a bird and they poop out eggs instead of poop. I pass over this quickly, pausing only to pray that the people at Shoe don’t get wind of this, because I’m much more interested in why Loretta is out on this hunting expedition with Leroy despite not toting any firearm of her own. Presumably she’s not actually interested in shooting at birds and mostly wanted to wait for Leroy to fail so she could sigh out some heavy-lidded sarcastic rejoinder. So don’t put too much stock in her glum expression; she’s been waiting for this moment, squatting in a duck blind all the while, for hours.

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Panels from Dennis the Menace, 1/30/11

In one of his most menacing acts in recent memory, Dennis taunts a snowman about its imminent demise.

Panel from Apartment 3-G, 1/30/11

Sunday’s A3G pretty much just rehashes the past week’s action, but I like this panel because it illustrates that Lu Ann has finally found someone to date who’s dumber than she is. “Now I’m not so sure. What do you think, Lu Ann? My thinks aren’t coming out of my think-place, for some reason. Maybe if I tap at it with my thumb? Come out, thinks! Come out!”

Panel from Beetle Bailey, 1/30/11

Is that … is that supposed to be a fax machine? Have the artists behind Beetle Bailey ever seen a fax machine, or any other object that occupies real physical space?

Panel from Dick Tracy, 1/30/11

The Crimestoppers Textbook makes it seem that not giving out your personal information is just a simple matter of, you know, not giving out your personal information, but the look of total devastation on this poor sap’s face tells a different story. “Oh no, they asked for my Social Security number! I guess I have no choice but to give it to them. Soon my credit rating will be destroyed! Curse you, clever identity thieves!”

Narration box from Mary Worth, 1/30/11

If you ever find it impossible to adequately describe the heart-pounding roller coaster ride that is Mary Worth, just refer to this narration box, which pretty much encapsulates this week’s thrills in a neat package.