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Mary Worth and Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/3/12

Hmm, hey, did someone decide to have a Best Sidelong Glance In A Soap Opera Strip contest and somehow NOT ask me to be a judge??? That’s OK, because I enjoy each glance on its own terms and don’t feel a need to quantify them or pick one as the “best.” Each has its own charms! For instance, I like how Mary is looking somewhat hopefully at Jeff, hoping that he’ll look past the theatrically weeping televangelist and see the more general analogy she’s trying to draw. You know, sometimes you get wake-up calls in this life! Like, when your asexual not-girlfriend keeps rejecting your marriage proposals! Maybe that would be a sign to wake up and move on with your life? Not just come over to her house and bother her with your jabbering while she’s trying to watch the bad man crying on the teevee?

June’s glance, meanwhile, is more one of mounting panic, as she realizes that Rex is about to be zero help in dealing with this sexy not-dressed drunken lady who’s demanding more booze, for drunkenness. “Sure … give me a minute,” June says, backing slowly towards the liquor cabinet, not taking her eyes off Iris lest she suddenly and violently attempt to drink the lamp.

Dick Tracy, 4/3/12

Speaking of contests, it appears that Dick Tracy heard that Mark Trail was going to depict the world of marijuana use and/or distribution in a hilariously square fashion and thought, “Whoah there, I’ll bet we can do them one better!”

Slylock Fox, 4/3/12

This is pretty much the saddest Slylock Fox since that guy brought his skeletonized fish to the vet. In fact, it may be even sadder, because while that guy will probably move on with his life eventually and the fish is past caring, these two star-crossed aqua-lovers are stuck for their short lives in their too-small bowls, without even a fake treasure chest to hide behind while pressing their lips against the glass and imagining what it must be like to feel the physical touch of someone who really loves them.

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Sunday serials mostly summarize the preceding week — apparently newspapers put the interests of decent Sunday-only and weekday-only subscribers over those of degenerate free-rider Internet obsessives. Thanks a lot, newspapers! Here we go:

Apartment 3-G, 3/25/12

This week’s Apartment 3-G “action” consists of Tommie asking Nina Gaines if she wants to take a walk. While we wait for her answer (give it a month or so), consider that poor Nina is trying to balance her commitment to a career with loyalty to her insensitive clod of a husband amid a storm of powerful lady-hormones that make her weep uncontrollably over every little thing.

Compared to the motivations that drive principal characters Lu Ann (“Shiny!”), Margo (“Blood!”), and Tommie (“What?”), this makes Nina the most complex, nuanced character in Apartment 3-G — its Cleopatra, Lady Macbeth, and Hedda Gabler. She really deserves her own strip, maybe teamed up with Professor Papagoras fighting crime or rescuing pets.

Mary Worth, 3/25/12

Whoa, here’s an unexpected development! Long months after their encounter in the shopping district, Nola remains rooted to her park bench, paralyzed by shame. Smithers — now sober and wiser, his tear-stained tie traded for a snappy cap, and CEO of his own environmental-services startup — returns to help her move on: “Nola, my life as Sales VP was a desperate, lonely wasteland until your lies led me to a greater truth. Because of you I have found enlightenment and peace, so thank you, thank you, my sweet, wonderful *&@#%$!”

Dick Tracy, 3/25/12

Aww, we’ve been neglecting this strip since its conversion to representational art and narrative coherence. Here, criminal gargoyle Blackjack takes a break from his crime spree for some strategic Dick Tracy-related product placement.

Judge Parker, 3/25/12

Hey, remember that story in Judge Parker? The one about the black sedan tailing Li’l Judge Randy and his Walther PPK and the botched murder attempt and how April Bower was implicated and that showdown with the mysterious lady assassin? The story that’s been going on since September, 2010? You do remember it? Well, forget it.

That’s it for me — Josh will be back Monday with a frothy mix of comics, COTW, and all the rich Joshy goodness we’ve come to know and love. Thanks for a fun week!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Dick Tracy, 1/17/12

Hey, everybody, the Dick Tracy gang is on the case, going undercover in a hip (?) nightclub to track down an actual gang, of the drug-smuggling variety, who something something son of old friend of Dick yadda yadda guy named Cueball blah blah cocaine hidden in instrument cases. (Hint to the cops: There are two Cueballs, or Cueball has a twin, or something!) Anyhoo, I mainly want to bring your attention to the little explanatory label in the first panel. Normally these kinds of boxes-with-arrows in Dick Tracy are used to identify bits of improbable high-tech crime-fighting gear, but today’s example mostly seems to be all about assuring us that our law enforcement officers aren’t having even the slightest bit of fun on their mission, so please let’s not have Internal Affairs auditing our expenses, please.

Luann, 1/17/12

Oh snap Ann Eiffel just outed TJ! Or maybe she just intended to insult him in a somewhat homophobic and mildly actionable manner? Either way, even though we’re only like two days into it, I think Ann vs. TJ is going to be less fun than I’d hoped, like everything else that ever happened in Luann ever.