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Dick Tracy, 1/28/23

I don’t know why, but I find Art Dekko’s statement that, while he’s hiding from possible spear gun murder, he’ll “have food delivered and such” very funny. He just wants you to know that he’s thought this thing through, OK? And honestly Sue Reel’s reaction is even funnier. Sue, thanks to the new wave of food delivery apps, you can enjoy delicious entrees from just about any restaurant in Neo-Chicago at home, or, in this case, in your storeroom! You may be a character created in 1980 whose name is a pun on “surreal” and who has a mustache in tribute to surrealist artist Salvador Dali, but surely you know that delivery isn’t just for pizza anymore?

Beetle Bailey, 1/28/23

Wow, it seems like the folks over at Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC have finally gotten wind of “Drynuary,” a concept that’s at least seventeen years old! Saturday strips are often about how the Halftrack marriage is a hellish prison, but I like that today’s is about the two of them teaming up to defeat the only thing they loathe more than each other: sobriety.

Mary Worth, 1/28/23

Ah, it looks like Estelle and Ed have gotten to the part of the evening where they just say the names of their dishes to one another. That’s good, right? I’ve been out of the dating scene for a while now.

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Blondie, 1/25/22

OK, a cat wedding isn’t that wacky — like maybe it’s in the top 20 percent of wacky things that might conceivably happen to a caterer — but this strip did make me realize that frankly nothing particularly wacky ever happens to Dagwood. Like, he goes to work, annoys his carpool, gets yelled at by his boss, eats fast food, etc., etc. Oh, did you go to a bird store and the bird store guy said something weird about the bird, Dagwood? BORING. What I’m trying to say is that he should know better than now to try to one-up his wife on this point.

Dick Tracy, 1/25/22

It must be kind of fun to be Kriptonite — no, wait, I mean Kyptonite — sorry, that’s just Kryptonite, I guess. Anyway, it must be fun to be him because you don’t have to keep track of the various inscrutable feuds within the Tracyverse underworld. Someone calls you up, pays you some money, and then you go and murder someone else with a speargun! Is the guy you’re supposed to murder today the same guy who paid you to murder someone else like two weeks ago? Who knows! You don’t keep written records of all this stuff! It’s murder! Why would you?

Mary Worth, 1/25/22

ME, ON A DATE, REALIZING THAT THE DEAD DOG TALK ISN’T GOING SO WELL: I’m really enjoying working with my nephew! The job stresses him out, though. Probably because of all the dogs we keep killing [no damn it shut up shut up shut up]

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Mary Worth, 1/24/23

You might remember that a bit over a year ago, Estelle, owner of two pets — a cat who defeated Wilbur in a piss fight and a dog that Wilbur had to give to her because the dog didn’t like him — went on a fateful date with her vet during one of the off-again lulls in her on-again, off-again relationship with Wilbur, and that date was the night of the fateful karaoke battle that she and Wilbur waged against one another. Ed the vet left immediately, obviously, and they hadn’t spoken since, but last week she decided to take her pets back to him for a checkup, and I guess hoped that he wouldn’t mention it? But he did mention it, and they had a good laugh and decided to do another date, which I didn’t discuss here because it was all pretty boring.

Today, thought … today has potential. There’s one thing any person absolutely loves on a date, and its when their date arrives late, sits down directly next to you, and says “Sorry about the wait, but I was up to my elbows in dead pomeranian like 15 minutes ago. Wasn’t my fault, honest, thought it’s not like you or the pomeranian’s owners could tell if it was, ha ha!” Anyway, after Wilbur and Arthur Z, Dr. Ed should have a very low bar to clear in terms of Estelle romantic partner quality, so I’m excited to see how it botches it.

Dick Tracy, 1/24/23

It’d be pretty wild if this Dick Tracy storyline ends with the criminals all killing each other before Dick even has a chance to! Maybe one day these guys will learn that it’s better for everyone concerned if contracts are enforced by a state apparatus with an elaborate system of civil law and, ultimately, a monopoly on legitimate violence, rather than just the fickle promises of other criminals.

Pluggers, 1/24/23

Sure, you laugh, but this is actually a great screening and diagnostic technique. If you come back and the patient is angry-crying about how they’ve pissed themselves waiting for you, you know you should schedule them for an appointment right a way, whereas if they’re just annoyed you can fit them in next month sometime.

Shoe, 1/24/23

“Wait, aren’t you like eleven years old? That frankly makes even less sense.”