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Mary Worth, 5/23/22

This upcoming storyline can’t possibly be about Dawn and what’s-his-face, the Star Wars nerd whose name the narration box can’t even be bothered to remember so I’m definitely not looking it up, because they’re boring losers. The way Mary’s looking straight at us in the first panel seems like a challenge: which character will have their brain baked by the summer sun until they finally allow themselves the awful experience of knowing another and being known in turn? Will it be Mary? Is Mary going to see if she can make 2022 “hot Mary summer” and finally fall in love? And how will Dr. Jeff fit into the picture? Will she at least have the decency to break up with him first, like the time she had a dalliance with a guy who she cruised at his own mother’s funeral? Or will she just keep him completely in the dark, like that time she went to New York and romanced a Broadway legend? I for one am, predictably, excited to find out.

Beetle Bailey, 5/23/22

Now, a lot of people are going to be very focused on Sarge, strung up and entangled in flypaper as if he himself were some huge, grotesque insect, his tongue having been stuck in this trap as he’s sweated and squirmed for who knows how long. But me? I’m still fixated on Cookie’s line in panel one: “I’m anxious to see how many flies I caught in my traps last night,” he says to nobody, with a huge smile on his face. Definitely the voice he’s using to say this sounds like Renfield from the Bela Lugosi Dracula, right? That’s the only option here?

Dick Tracy, 5/23/22

Old-school nightmaretown Dick Tracy reached its apogee in the very last of the Locher/Brozman strips, in which a gimp-suited murderer was eaten alive by rats. The team over the last decade has not gone down that road very much, but I have to say that eating rats, while not as gross, is definitely a first step in that direction.

Marvin, 5/23/22

Man, he knows his butthole is where the poop exits from! That’s the not the problem! It’s the timing and circumstances of the exiting that are the issue here! You may walk on your hind legs and have rudimentary literacy, but you aren’t as smart a dog as you think!

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Daddy Daze, 5/21/22

I generally think of piles of leaves as pretty ephemeral things, but apparently the one next to the Daddy Daze Daddy’s house has been there mouldering and rotting long enough that he expects his ex, who does not (and perhaps never did?) live there, to know about it, which may say a lot about why they broke up.

Funky Winkerbean, 5/21/22

THE COMIC STRIP MARVIN [juvenile, anti-intellectual]: Haw haw, this baby peed in his diaper!

THE COMIC STRIP FUNKY WINKERBEAN [imparting profound, soul-burdening wisdom]: Someday — perhaps someday soon — you will grow old and die, and as part of that process, you will inevitably piss yourself, so you’d better buy some diapers now to prepare.

Dick Tracy, 5/21/22

“I’ve decide to go by a norman human name and stop dressing in impractical knight’s garb so I cHAHA JUST KIDDING I’M A DICK TRACY CHARACTER, THIS IS OUR ENTIRE DEAL”

Slylock Fox, 5/21/22

Slylock Fox’s Which Two Scenes Are Exactly Alike? Presents: FRANKENBART: The Frankenstein Made Out Of Bart Simpsons’ Corpse

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Dick Tracy, 5/10/22

I’ve apparently lived my life either correctly enough or incorrectly enough that I’ve never worked anywhere that’s been subject to a police raid, but if I ever am, I dearly hope that I have the presence of mind to react with a hilarious pratfall and Jerry Lewis-esque sound effect. Anyway, I hope Dick’s cartoonist friend is proud that his Bugs and Worms comic-themed video game is “doing great” among criminals.

Dennis the Menace, 5/10/22

Does Dennis think … the car salesman is drunk? Is that what he’s saying? Whatever it is you’re getting at, it’s only menacing if you say it in front of him, Dennis, this is just confusing.

Mary Worth, 5/10/22

“Wait, what if a thing that’s happening … continues to happen?” Toby asks, suddenly aghast. Boy, you finally get your brain around object permanence and it really raises a whole host of unnerving questions, doesn’t it?