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Gil Thorp and Dick Tracy, 3/8/19

“Cinematic universes” are all the rage lately, as the twelve or so corporations that own all of broadcasting and publishing try to squeeze synergy out of whatever grab-bag of intellectual property they’ve assembled out of the last decade or so of agglutinative media mergers. One of those companies is Tribune Publishing (briefly known as Tronc), which hasn’t exactly covered itself in glory lately, and its current roster of comics is no match for Marvel or DC. Still, I’m pretty excited about this epic crossover event that will launch the Tronc Extended Universe, in which Marty Moon, having been humiliated by Gil for the last time, starts killing gym teachers and coaches across the country, honing his skills until the day he’s ready to take down his nemesis.

Marvin, 3/8/19

It is kind of sad that Jeff and Jenny have spent their entire date night talking about their awful baby, and it’s weird considering how happy they look. I guess they were probably mostly talking about how far away their awful baby is, and how they can’t hear or even smell him, even a little!

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Dick Tracy, 2/18/19

In case for some reason you’re interested in how the various strands of the current Dick Tracy plot fit together: Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf, also used to be married to Zelda the high diver, who is also Vitamin Flintheart’s goddaughter, and was I think going to go on a date with the drunkard playing Dick in the play Vitamin is in, but then she got kidnapped by Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf and also her husband, despite the fact that she had been assigned a police protection detail because Splitface, who used to be Haf and Haf, had sworn vengeance on her for some reason I forget now, possibly because he’s insane, I dunno, it’s Dick Tracy, it’s not super nuanced. Anyway, it sure is a lousy break for Zelda, isn’t it? Getting kidnapped by her deranged ex-husband, who presumably wants to murder her or worse? Just a piece of darn rotten luck that certainly the agency that knew about the threat to her and promised to protect her isn’t responsible for in any way.

Family Circus, 2/18/19

Oh, snap, is the Family Circus going to get political? It’s a good thing Big Daddy Keane is wearing that kevlar vest, as this single-panel comic in which kids say the darndest things was the last bit of shared pop culture holding our frayed national fabric together, and now that’s “gone partisan” the violent civil war is about to erupt.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/18/19

Ha ha, it’s funny because Linda has to choose between retiring comfortably and spending time with her addled husband as he rapidly declines! Like, literally, that’s the joke here in today’s knee-slapping Funky Winkerbean, a newspaper comic they print where children can see it!

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The Phantom, 2/16/19

Tragically, the Nomad’s teen daughter would rather hurl herself off the roof of the Bangallan Consulate than live torn away from her family, which she now knows was a nest of terrorists all along. This will be doubly awkward for our heroes. It will make Heloise’s escape from the country, with the President in tow, all the more suspicious if her helicopter zooms away from the site of a public and gory suicide; plus, Kadia was a Bangallan flag rank officer, which means her next of kin is entitled to a generous military pension. Looks like the Nomad’s prison commissary account will be fully stocked!

Spider-Man, 2/16/19

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date on the action in Spider-Man! Killgrave had his full powers restored and was about to force Spider-Man and Luke Cage to kill one another, but fortunately MJ managed to completely disable his near-omnipotent voice by whacking him in the throat with a small piece of metal. And if you think it’s kind of unsatisfying that our superheroes were saved by a completely non-super-powered ally, don’t worry: she also did it entirely by dumb luck. Anyway, I assume Killgrave has been permanently defeated by this extremely mild throat injury, seeing as everyone is just kind of standing around chatting about it rather than attempting to, like, cover his mouth or tie him up or something.

Dick Tracy, 2/16/19

I honestly can’t work up much energy to appreciate or even recap the two or so storylines going on in Dick Tracy right now, but I have to admit that I’m intrigued by the apparently introduction of a new one, about a sportswriter … who stabs.

Mary Worth, 2/16/19

Just want to point out that Ian had a clear chance to say “No, Toby, of course I wasn’t having an emotional affair with Jannie” and he 100% did not take it! I mean, technically an emotional affair has to involve reciprocation, but still.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/16/19

Brayden is lucky he has that sweater to ward off the desert cold, but Rex? Rex just got to smugly correct someone by saying “That’s a common misconception,” and the glow from that will keep him warm for hours.