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Pajama Diaries, 11/1/19

Ha ha, remember when an innocent discussion with her daughter about social media profile pics led to Pajama Diaries Mom Whose Name I Forget chattily bringing up the constant intrusive thoughts she has about her imminent kidnapping? Well, tonight, when she’s just out having some fun drinking wine with her gal pals, she talks about how one extremely normal recurring worry she has is that for some reason in the future she’ll be in a coma indefinitely, technically alive but insensate and trapped in an interminable kind of living death, yet still subject to the crushing demands that the patriarchy makes on women’s personal appearance. Imagine your mind trapped in a useless husk of a body, screaming endlessly but silently because you think the doctors who occasionally stop by your room to change your feeding tube will think “gee, this one has really let herself go”! They say people want to see representation of others like them in the media, but as a guy with anxiety, this all just makes me increasingly uncomfortable and I’d honestly rather not!

Hagar the Horrible, 11/1/19

I was going to point out that taking a dog for a walk for “exercise” is generally a euphemism for getting him out of the house so he can pee, but then I remembered Hagar is a uncultured Viking living in a tiny dirt-floored hut in rural Norway. He probably pees on the floor himself if it’s cold out!

Gil Thorp, 11/1/19

Oh wow, it turns out Chance only threw scissors at another kid because he hates injustice so much. C’MON MAN. I’ve now totally revised my opinion on this plot, Chet is absolutely right to air as much of Chance’s dirty laundry as possible to put this self-righteous jerk in his place and get his stepson that starting RB job.

Dustin, 11/1/19

“Like, I don’t want cereal that helps me poop! I want cereal that I want to fuck.”

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Dustin, 10/30/19

Say, remember when male Baby Boomers were young and their parents made fun of them for growing their hair long and otherwise not conforming to stifling 1950s codes of what a man should be or look like? Well, those Boomers all lost their hair and now it’s their turn to police everyone else’s masculinity. Whether you’re treating the the availability of a little cinnamon and nutmeg in your coffee like a full grade crisis because girls like it or you think that guy with a small dog up the street ought to be feeling a lot more shame than he apparently does, you’re certainly making your father happy, wherever he is, probably hell.

Dennis the Menace, 10/30/19

Speaking of hell, here’s what all the demons down there will look like. The amount of work Mr. Wilson put into this is absolutely terrifying, and that’s assuming he’s gone to the trouble of creating a perfect Dennis wig and isn’t wearing the poor lad’s scalp as a hat.

Mary Worth, 10/30/19

ME, YESTERDAY: Ha ha, I’m going to make a joke, here on my blog where I make fun of comics, about how Wilbur is going to have an emotional meltdown on this double date with his ex! But probably nothing that interesting will happen.

ME, TODAY: oh my god Wilbur is so worked up he’s going to start guzzling scotch straight from the bottle to prepare himself, this is going to be more amazing than I possibly could’ve imagined

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Mary Worth, 10/29/19

Oh boy oh boy oh boy, I am very excited to watch the total emotional meltdown our boy Wilbur is going to experience during his double date with Iris and her handsome young stud and, uh, some other lady who’s temporarily slipping his mind right now, probably she’s not very important. The biggest question that we’re going to need answered: when his brain breaks, what form will it take? Will the massive flood of negative feelings be directed outward, at Iris and Zak, leading to him getting kicked out of the restaurant at best and slapped with a restraining order at worst? Or will it all go inward, at himself, leaving his ex and her perfectly nice boyfriend to spend an evening awkwardly consoling him as he weeps loudly into his appetizer? (Estelle at this point will have excused herself to the bathroom, where she’ll escape out the window and flee to the nearby frontage road so she can summon an Uber.)

Blondie, 10/29/19

I guess the joke here is that the only thing that could make it worth Lou’s while to deal with job-killing government regulations is Dagwood’s insatiable appetite. But my initial interpretation, which I find much funnier, is that Dagwood is just now learning that for whatever reason in his town the health department subjects food trucks to much stricter scrutiny than restaurants, so when a food truck parks in front of his office, he’s excited to finally enjoy a lunch that won’t cause him terrible diarrhea.

Dustin, 10/29/19

“Autumn is here … it’s the season for apprehension and dread.”

“You’re thinking about Halloween?”

“No, I’m thinking about how watching the leaves wither and fall from the trees makes me realize that all life is ephemeral, about how winter is coming and how it feels colder in my bones every year as I age, about how I know that while spring comes around again every year, eventually it won’t come around for me. Uh, I mean, pumpkin spice, am I right? So basic! I’m definitely not haunted by visions of my own demise!”