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Judge Parker, 9/9/19

Oh, man, remember when Judge Parker Senior confessed on TV that he did a crime, and then some other mean judge — probably because judges actively breaking the law is a sore spot for him for some reason, maybe because it makes all judges look bad or maybe he just doesn’t like a two-tier justice system for the rich and poor, who can say — put Judge Parker Senior in jail? Well, it looks like our gang is about to do another crime to get Judge Parker Senior out of jail, and it is extremely key that current Judge Randy Parker not know any of the details. Definitely everything he’s heard up to this point would lead him to believe that Sam’s plan is on the up and up! He won’t be going to jail, no sir!

Dustin, 9/9/19

Nice to see that Dustin is taking a day off from its usual shtick of slamming on millennials, or even its occasional shtick of slamming on baby boomers, to cover a subject we can all enjoy: TV commercials. You ever notice how many commercials are on TV, folks? Millennials don’t, because they use their parents logins to watch Netflix and HBO Go on their laptops in their rooms, but that’s neither here nor there.

Pluggers, 9/9/19

You’re a plugger if you need to hide coupons from your spouse because you know his love of terrible processed foods combined with his love of a bargain could literally kill him this week.

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Six Chix, 8/21/19

1. “And ostriches run fast, so I’m hoping to best you in this competition!”
2. “So perhaps I have my head in the sand about my athletic abilities.”
3. “The better to kick the crap out of you, my dear!”
4. “That’s why this punchline laid an egg!”

Dustin, 8/21/19

All week these folks have been getting bummed out by the news. A word of advice, Dustin people — stay away from the comics!

Funky Winkerbean, 8/21/19

“Well, of course you’re the only colorist they have. Until you get replaced by some Bangladeshi outsourcer! Or some discount freelancer on Fiverr! But hey: I hear you’re engaged to be married to Mopey Pete! God, your life sucks! I’m so grateful to be old and near death.”

Hi and Lois, 8/21/19

“Nature, red in tooth and claw” seems a little off-brand for Hi and Lois.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Dustin, 7/30/19

Oh, snap, is Dustin about to get get catfished? Seems that way! Now, I don’t mean to be rude to elder brethren, and clearly there are gullible marks and savvy sharps of all age groups, but just as a general rule, you might expect it to be the older folks in this strip who are more likely to by successfully cybergrifted, wouldn’t you? But you have to keep in mind that while Dustin presents itself as a relatively even-handed strip about the little foibles and frictions that arise when Baby Boomers and Millennials live under the same roof, it’s mostly about how Dustin, in particular, is the dumbest motherfucker alive.

Gasoline Alley, 7/30/19

I’m not saying any of us could’ve predicted this, necessarily, but if someone had asked, “Which long-running continuity comic strip is going to feature a shiny object snatched away from a major character by a keen-eyed corvid?” we’d all have said “Oh, Gasoline Alley, no question.” I for one support the choice to set this episode in Gasoline Alley’s hitherto unexplored “Little Jalisco” neighborhood, because seeing Rufus getting roasted by passersby in Spanish is definitely funnier than it would be in English by an order of magnitude.

Six Chix, 7/30/19

Oh wow, is this a comic strip about witches fighting against death itself, with one particularly angry witch stealing the scythe used to reap souls, for her own inscrutable and possibly terrifying purposes? This is an extremely metal development! All the money in entertainment today is in massive cross-platform tentpole franchises, and Six Chix has clearly been trying to make that happen with interrelated storylines like “I Fucked A Bigfoot” and “What If Bigfoot Were A Lady In Sexy High Heels” and “The Bible: A Quentin Tarantino Film,” but let me gently suggest that “Witches vs. Death” has a lot more potential.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/30/19

Oh, uh, it looks like when I jokingly said that the villain in this new age grifter storyline would be Rene the art forger I was … right? Huh. Huh. You know, when longtime writer Woody Wilson handed this strip over to Terry Beatty, the storylines got a lot less over-the-top and there have honestly been fewer cartoonish villains, which is why it’s particularly funny to me that Rene, who was an amiable and kooky character during the Wilson era, is now the sinister mastermind behind literally all crime.

Mary Worth, 7/30/19

Man, you’d think the whole point of having a meddling busybody of a condo manager is that at least you wouldn’t have to worry about fully clothed college students making out in the pool. C’mon, Mary, you’re slacking on the job here!