Post Content

Judge Parker, 8/30/16

It’s been years since puberty transformed Sophie from a data-obsessing pantsuit-wearing tween genius into a mean girl super-cheerleader. But while she’s been curating her affect for maximum acceptability in school, her core identity — rational, calculating, steel-willed — remains intact. Her plan to win Derek’s heart has been carefully crafted from the beginning. Wars interest her. And today, she’s going to self-talk her way out of a wrecked car. “This is not how you bleed, Sophie. This is not how you die. This may be how Honey Ballinger dies, though. Just move that shoulder belt a few inches to upwards, so it her throat rests right on it with all her weight … she won’t even feel a thing…”

Dick Tracy, 8/30/16

Liberal whiners in the U.S. are always extolling European health care systems, but real American Dick Tracy is here to show us the reality. If he had suffered his injuries in America, right now he’d be in a gleaming new for-profit hospital, but he’s in Switzerland, so he’s getting the best care they have on offer, which is in the home office of some dude who isn’t assertive enough to get rid of his houseguests.

Family Circus, 8/30/16

Wow, so I guess we’re getting a whole week of this, huh? You know, most comics are going broke, and Garfield has never been anything but a marketing vehicle, but I’m kind of surprised that the Family Circus is the first syndicated comic to offer native advertising.

Post Content

Family Circus, 8/29/16

Wow, shoutout to the Family Circus for a punchline that’s actually a darndest thing a kid might say, in the year 2016! So, whaddya think the original caption for this panel was, before that phone was added in, since 90% of Family Circus panels consist of recycled art? I’m guessing something along the line of “Ooooh! Watch your feet, Grandma! We feed Kittycat too well and now she’s too lazy to catch mice. The house is infested with vermin!”

Funky Winkerbean, 8/29/16

Welp, it’s not early onset Alzheimer’s after all — it’s football-induced chronic traumatic encephalopathy. Devastating, slowly degenerative, and topical? That’s the Funkyverse way!

Dennis the Menace, 8/29/16

Hmm, Dennis seems to implying that dreams can exist within dreams, and thus calling into question the very nature of our lived existence: is everything we think we understand about our lives just a transitory phenomenon as we sleep, our body in some unknowably different universe that we’ve forgotten until we wake? Definitely some solid menacing action.

Post Content

Don’t forget: I’m selling slightly damaged hardcover copies of my novel, the Enthusiast, for the shockingly low price of $9! Click here for all the details, or just click the button below to buy. UPDATE: Holy cow, against all expectations, I sold out of these! Thanks so much, guys — books will ship out later this week. If you’re looking to buy non-damaged, non-discounted versions, try here or here, or, if you love the Amazonian behemoth, here.

Blondie, 8/23/16

I’m really not sure how to even begin grappling with this strip, in which Dagwood, a man who I’ve always assumed to be not too deep into middle age and in possession of a perfectly healthy set of teeth, sits through a nightmarish sales pitch for some kind of futuristic dental implant technology with a name out of a satirical dystopian sci-fi movie. Maybe his insatiable appetite is leading him into the dangerous world of body modification; once this dentist outfits him with ultra-efficient chewing tech, he’s going to show up at a hospital and demand that he be given gastric bypass surgery “only in reverse.”

Beetle Bailey, 8/23/16

Say what you will about today’s Beetle Bailey, but it does get to an essential truth at the heart of the strip, namely that all the characters are morons who also have access to military weaponry. I think it’s a nice touch that the joke focuses on Zero possibly blowing his own face off and just barely draws our attention to the box of live grenades propped awkwardly on the table, ready to tumble out at the most hilarious/violent moment.

Family Circus, 8/23/16

What character do you most identify with in today’s Family Circus? I’d like to think I’m the guy who’s just out there casually smoking a pipe while he’s sunbathing, but I’m probably more like the kid who thinks that because he’s wearing goggles we can’t tell how eagerly he’s staring at the other kid’s toy boat.

Mark Trail, 8/23/16

So, uh, the staff of Woods and Wildlife Magazine didn’t know invasive species were bad until, like, last year? I’m beginning to have some doubts about their environmentalist bona fides.