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Archive: Family Circus

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Philosophical Friday

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Dennis the Menace, 1/15/16

Ah, Dennis, never letting any of us forget that every day we’re the oldest we’ve ever been, every day our youth slips further and further behind us, every day is another step in the ceaseless march towards death. A+ menacing, old chum.

Family Circus, 1/15/16

Billy, meanwhile, comes up far short in today’s Towheaded Child Philosophizing In One Panel competition. You run it under water and rub it a little, jackass. Really looking forward to more of your lame-ass comedy stylings tomorrow, when you’ll stand out in the driveway wonder aloud why you park there instead of out on the parkway, it really makes you think.

Mary Worth, 1/15/16

Look, I’ve been doing this for, what, eleven and a half years now, and you know that Mary Worth is my North Star, right? It’s the thing without which this here blog wouldn’t have happened. I know this is an insane comparison, but David Bowie died earlier this week, an event that (and I only realized this the moment I heard about it) I assumed would never come, and it really brought home the fact that all things are ephemeral. We lost Apartment 3-G just a few months ago, so let’s … let’s just enjoy this. Let’s just enjoy a meddling old woman offering to buy a shiny new watch for a girl who has psychic powers in her tummy brain, and the little girl being so excited because, you know, Macy’s! What little girl doesn’t dream of someday owning one of the many fine timepieces Macy’s sells? Let’s just drink it in. We’re not going to have it forever.

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WOO HIGHLY STRUCTURED GENDER ROLES WEEKEND WOO

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Hi and Lois, 1/9/15

“Heh heh, if there’s one thing dudes like, it’s football, and the NFL playoffs, am I right? And if there’s one thing ladies like, it’s shopping, using credit cards. You can use credit cards in two stores a day, right? I’m pretty sure that’s how credit cards work? I tried to look it up online but there was all sorts of complicated stuff about interest rates and interchange fees and whatnot? It was confusing. The NFL playoffs are at least blessedly simple. I mean, they’re not, I don’t really understand how the teams are seeded, but there are definitely two games today and two games tomorrow. I’m just hoping credit cards work on the same principles.”

Shoe, 1/9/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because he feels that the coercive and violent power of the state with which he’s been imbued applies in his domestic sphere as well, and believes, probably with some justification, that his fellow law enforcement officers will look the other way when he threatens his wife! Never have the patented Shoe Goggle Eyes of Horror been so appropriate.

Family Circus, 1/9/15

Just to make this joke absolutely clear: Dolly, a child of the electronic age, views any instance of a machine not working as a symptom of it “needing new batteries.” (Actually, an real child Dolly’s age would probably say it “needs to be recharged,” but I digress.) So in other words, that toilet isn’t working correctly. And since the only thing a toilet does is flush, we can assume that in this case, it failed to flush properly. There’s pee or, more likely, poop in that toilet right now, is what I’m saying. Just a big old Keane turd, which Dolly is clenching her fists and backing away from. GO AHEAD, GRANDMAS EVERYWHERE, HANG THIS DISGUSTING SCAT PORN ON YOUR REFRIGERATOR. I DARE YOU.

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Holiday one-panels

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Family Circus, 12/11/15

Wow, Billy’s crass holiday greed seems positively charming now, doesn’t it? “Oh, come let us adore me,” sings Jeffy, “for I am the mashiach, the anointed one foretold in prophecy. I am the Christ. Come adore me. WORSHIP ME. WORSHIP ME. I AM YOUR LORD GOD JEFFY AND I GROW DISPLEASED.”

Heathcliff, 12/11/15

I mean, I guess if you’re going to engage in a massive orgy, you’re going to want to use a pagan fertility symbol to justify your actions.

Blondie, 12/11/15

I like the idea of poor Bernie, sitting alone in his studio apartment on Christmas Eve, thinking that he might not have any family, he might not have a hearth to call his own, but nevertheless he knows that somewhere, across town, Santa is coming — with presents for him.