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Dennis the Menace, 3/5/15

As a Ginger-American, I spend a lot of time wishing for more positive depictions of my people in the media. Sure, we have the Weasely family, but that’s about it. Thus, I was actively angered when I saw that today’s Dennis the Menace indulged in the sad, stereotypical depiction of redheads as angry, sullen drunks. You know what the real menace is, Dennis? Intolerance.

Hagar the Horrible, 3/5/15

It’s not so much that Hagar doesn’t like tea as he doesn’t respect the property rights of settled agricultural folk who live in castles, Eddie. For now, you’re part of his war-band, and so he considers you a friend and ally. But as soon as you form a marriage-tie to the ruling class of settled, civilized Europe, you become an enemy to any self-respecting Viking who dreams only of bringing plunder back to his family and retainers on the continent’s northern fringes. Inviting Hagar in to your inherited home will mean signing your own death warrant.

Shoe, 3/5/15

We all love the patented Shoe Goggle Eyes Of Horror, of course, but almost as charming are their complement, the patented Shoe Heavy Lids Of Despair. They’re particularly grim to see on the face of ostensible child Skyler, whose youthful love of life has long been crushed under the unshakeable compulsion to answer straightforward questions in school with terrible, unfunny wordplay. “His friends wanted to make sure he got the point,” Skyler says, hating himself. “Eh? Eh? Get it? Because he was stabbed to death?”

Spider-Man, 3/5/15

I was kind of meh on this storyline for a while, but everything that’s happened after Mysterio was captured has been pure comedy gold. Today, the fiend manages to break free from captivity and … runs six feet to attempt to make a dumb point about Spider-Man’s secret identity! Then he stands around like a jerk while the cop trots over to arrest him again!

Family Circus, 3/5/15

“Yeah, I gazed at the wonder of creation, saw otherworldly sights that have moved the hearts of men for centuries. Turns out the moon’s pretty lame! What’s on TV?”

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/1/15

Look, I mean, she’s a witch, right? She doesn’t subscribe to your ideas of Western science and medicine, but she she has a broom that can fly. So maybe she squeezed some (presumably sapient and terrified) jellyfish over a cauldron and some liquid came out and she called it “blood,” incorrectly! The woman has powers. I would definitely pay good money for her immortality serum.

Marvin, 3/1/15

no

NO

do NOT let Marvin know that urine can be used as a communications method

for the love of all that’s holy

Family Circus, 3/1/15

In retrospect, letting the Keane Kids watch A Clockwork Orange turned out to be a mistake on a number of levels.

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Mary Worth, 2/26/15

Welp, looks like next year’s Worthy Awards will be a mere formality, as today’s final panel, in which a wild-eyed Amy waves her fist in the air to indicate just how jazzed she is to be marrying a rich dude who will allow her to quit her job, will clearly sweep every category. (I certainly hope she’s also making barking noises like the “dog pound” from the Arsenio Hall Show.) Hanna is happy too, because Dave’s riches have bought Amy access to both time to personally care for her child and hired help to care for her child when she wants to use her time for something else! No more babysitting for Hanna! Also, Dave can buy Gordon all the screens he wants so he never has to look any of his family members in the eye ever again!

I really thought that this storyline had another twist in store, but it’s Thursday and Hanna’s self-satisfied thought balloon has me thinking that this is the plot-wrapping-up week, and we’re going to end with both Amy and Hanna having solved their problems by finding and marrying the right dudes. My only regret is that the whole thing didn’t end in a Shakespeare-comedy style double wedding at City Hall, with Gordon playing the “holy fool” character (a modern version who just stares vacantly at a Gameboy the entire time).

Family Circus, 2/26/15

Dolly looks at a set of rigid metal pipes of varying sizes bound together forever and only capable of producing noise in response to the breath of some vastly larger being and sees a “family,” which tells us a disturbing amount about her own take on her home life.