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Panel from Slylock Fox, 3/1/15

Look, I mean, she’s a witch, right? She doesn’t subscribe to your ideas of Western science and medicine, but she she has a broom that can fly. So maybe she squeezed some (presumably sapient and terrified) jellyfish over a cauldron and some liquid came out and she called it “blood,” incorrectly! The woman has powers. I would definitely pay good money for her immortality serum.

Marvin, 3/1/15

no

NO

do NOT let Marvin know that urine can be used as a communications method

for the love of all that’s holy

Family Circus, 3/1/15

In retrospect, letting the Keane Kids watch A Clockwork Orange turned out to be a mistake on a number of levels.

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Mary Worth, 2/26/15

Welp, looks like next year’s Worthy Awards will be a mere formality, as today’s final panel, in which a wild-eyed Amy waves her fist in the air to indicate just how jazzed she is to be marrying a rich dude who will allow her to quit her job, will clearly sweep every category. (I certainly hope she’s also making barking noises like the “dog pound” from the Arsenio Hall Show.) Hanna is happy too, because Dave’s riches have bought Amy access to both time to personally care for her child and hired help to care for her child when she wants to use her time for something else! No more babysitting for Hanna! Also, Dave can buy Gordon all the screens he wants so he never has to look any of his family members in the eye ever again!

I really thought that this storyline had another twist in store, but it’s Thursday and Hanna’s self-satisfied thought balloon has me thinking that this is the plot-wrapping-up week, and we’re going to end with both Amy and Hanna having solved their problems by finding and marrying the right dudes. My only regret is that the whole thing didn’t end in a Shakespeare-comedy style double wedding at City Hall, with Gordon playing the “holy fool” character (a modern version who just stares vacantly at a Gameboy the entire time).

Family Circus, 2/26/15

Dolly looks at a set of rigid metal pipes of varying sizes bound together forever and only capable of producing noise in response to the breath of some vastly larger being and sees a “family,” which tells us a disturbing amount about her own take on her home life.

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Family Circus, 2/16/15

On Presidents Day, Billy pays lip service to the fact that we live in a democratic republic with an elected chief executive, but his thumbs-down gesture reveals his true desires: to be an autocratic Roman Emperor, with the power to dish out life and death in the gladiatorial arena and indeed anywhere else on his whim.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/16/15

I’m not entirely sure what the joke here is supposed to be, so I’m going to assume it’s that Bull hasn’t had this day set aside in advance at all, and the jerk-off motion he’s making in panel three signals his contempt both for Enormous Midwest University and the concept of making lesson plans in advance.

Shoe, 2/16/15

Not sure what’s grimmer here: the fact that a discussion of torture’s legality is falling under the heading of “current events,” or the horror that Sklyer just inadvertently revealed about his home life.

Gil Thorp, 2/16/15

YOU HEARD IT HERE FIRST: MAX BACON™ WILL BE TAKING WHAT HE THINKS IS ADDERALL BUT IT WILL JUST TURN OUT TO BE SUGAR PILLS

BUT HE’LL PLAY BETTER DUE TO THE PLACEBO EFFECT

IT’LL BE JUST LIKE DUMBO’S MAGIC FEATHER

EXCEPT MAX WON’T FLY, OBVIOUSLY

ALSO ADULTS WILL FIND OUT AND NOBODY WILL BE MAD, FOR SOME REASON