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Archie, 7/22/13

Wow, I thought Jughead was a compulsive eater because he needed to fill the hole inside him where emotional intimacy should be, but apparently there’s this whole other twisted sadism angle to it too! Notice that Jughead isn’t just condemning this delicious burrito to a gory execution in his mouth, but rather to indefinite detention and torture in his digestive tract, casting himself in the role of some kind of mobile Sarlacc Pit. Does he chuckle to himself, imagining the poor burrito slowly being dissolved in his stomach, screaming in agony and begging for a quicker death? The long string of saliva dribbling from his mouth in panel two adds to the horror. Archie and Betty are right to leave him alone during this disturbing episode.

Family Circus, 7/22/13

I think the thing that bothers me most about Billy’s latest smug-bomb is not that he believes his thoughts are actually valuable, but that he’s dropped the first syllable from “economy,” like he thinks that’s cute or something. “Sorry, grandma, but in this ’conomy we don’t have time to pronounce ‘economy.’ There are valid reasons for this, but if you want to find out what they are, you’re gonna have to pay me.”

Mary Worth, 7/22/13

Hey, Mary, I don’t want to tell you how to live your life or anything, but when you’re saying “I remember when I became a widow … it seems like it was only yesterday,” probably you shouldn’t be rubbing your hands together gleefully.

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Herb and Jamaal, 7/19/13

Wow, I’ve been reading Herb and Jamaal for something like ten years now and I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen Herb make any comments about his wife’s inability to cook. But whatever, it’s an infinitely relatable joke (as are jokes about hot airline meals, which haven’t been served on domestic coach flights since 2005 or so) so why not just drop it in here? Haha, women, am I right? They can’t cook, even though they’re the ones who are supposed to cook! Herb and his live-in mother-in-law run a restaurant together and presumably have some degree of culinary skill, so it totally makes sense that Herb has been seething with resentment over the dinners his wife makes them for years now.

Family Circus, 7/19/13

I genuinely, non-ironically love the dubious way Jeffy is regarding the business end of that golf club. He knows that thing’s coming for him, coming for his big, tempting, oversized target of a head. He doesn’t know if it’ll happen now or a week from now, doesn’t know if it’ll be on purpose or just because Billy likes swinging things around and doesn’t really care who or what he hits, but he knows trouble’s brewing.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/19/13

“You can let even one of your dearest friends believe that you’ve ever spent a single solitary second caring about whether he lives or dies! He’ll think you’re ‘funny.'”

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Family Circus, 7/4/13

Happy Birthday, America! Here is one of your most beloved comics characters with a terrible gift: the knowledge that Romantic-era views of national patriotism are fundamentally incompatible with advanced 21st century capitalism. Your sacred flag is just another corporate brand to today’s media-raised children!

Mary Worth, 7/4/13

Oops, sorry, that got a little dark. Let’s focus on your real birthday present: Mary Worth is going on vacation, to some lovely Tucson spa resort! I am so excited for her adventures that I can’t even stand it. What fitness and spirituality class will she take — Zen aerobics or shamanistic spinning? Will she enjoy a pool party besides a non-Charterstone pool? Will Dr. Jeff expect to come with her, and then be gently rebuffed, and then sulk passive-aggressively? Will there be a person or persons at this resort who will have a problem that can be solved by application of Mary’s sensible advice? Will Mary be bitten by a rattlesnake while she hikes through the Sonoran desert? Will that rattlesnake wither and die?

Spider-Man, 7/4/13

Aww, isn’t that sweet! Peter Parker overheard this little brat demanding a private jet, just like his heroes the Avengers, so he decided to change into his spider-duds to show that some superheroes are losers who have to fly coach just like him! Remember the last time he did something to coax a kid into doing something that normal people do all the time? Remember how that worked out for him? Not that I think this is part of a nefarious villain’s scheme or anything, but I am looking forward to the part where Spidey actually gets to the front of the security line, which I imagine will go something like this:

TSA AGENT: Spider-Man! Wow! Are you … are you going on this plane? I … do you have, uh, a ticket, or some ID?

SPIDER-MAN: [Looks down at ticket and ID, both of which have “PETER PARKER” printed on them prominently]

SPIDER-MAN: [Runs away in a panic]

Marvin, 7/4/13

So Marvin has been doing this thing this week where Marvin and a bunch of other babies are at some kind of sleepaway camp for babies, and I’ve been trying not to let my soul-searing hatred for Marvin draw me into a boring, pedantic “This isn’t realistic” riff, seeing as how it also isn’t realistic for a baby to think in complete sentences or shit his pants for explicitly spiteful reasons. Still, it’s hard to ignore today’s punchline. Taking toddlers hiking is a bad idea, what with their inability to walk more than a few steps without falling down, talk, pay sustained attention to anything, or follow complex directions. Probably instead of thought-ballooning stereotypical hike complaints, Marvin and his fellow toddlers should all be on the ground, crawling in random directions, and crying.

Apartment 3-G, 7/4/13

Oh hey this “The Governor of New York is having someone give Lu Ann a makeover” plot is still happening, apparently! As usual, Lu Ann’s panicked semi-comprehending reactions to things are priceless. I’m assuming in the final panel she’s worried that the governor will end up with naughty pictures of her in a state of undress and this will be a political scandal somehow, but I’m hoping that she thinks the he just ordered her very soul to be digitized and sent over the airwaves via sinister telephone magic.