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Oh-ho, “action” aplenty in the soaps today — let’s dive right in!

Apartment 3-G, 11/13/12

The Revenge of the Men for Margo’s many unspeakable crimes is here revealed as a one-two punch. Even as Evan the Earnest Mole conspires with his Aunt Cathy to bankrupt Margo’s publicity agency, Greg the Arrogant Actor plans to fatten her up on that mountain of generic Thai food. Soon, Margo will have no economic incentive to leave her apartment, and will be too wide to do so anyway — making the world a safer place for interchangeable men, but placing Lu Ann and Tommie in a world of hurt.

Mark Trail, 11/13/12

Did you wonder why Mark was so blasé about his kidnapping and island imprisonment? Well, panels two and three reveal that Mark can see into the future, accepting compliments before they are given, and doubtless foreseeing the hail of fists by which he will eventually secure his freedom. It’s a miracle anybody can sneak up behind this guy. I guess the ability to predict the future doesn’t mean you have to be paying attention.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/13/12

June got free clams and Rex got Internet fame, but Ginger wins the chest-off.

Mary Worth, 11/13/12

OK, it’s been hinted at that Jim is a possessive creep, but established beyond any doubt that he has ONLY ONE ARM. So how exactly is he grabbing Dawn in panel 2? And just what the HELL is he doing with his bottle of soda? I think the answers demand a much larger exclamation point than Dawn is giving us here.

Family Circus, 11/13/12

The original Family Circus gremlins, Not Me, Ida Know, and Nobody, are invisible scapegoats for the Keane Kids’ adorable transgressions. But newcomers Just B. Cause and O. Yeah aren’t objects of blame at all, but oddly-attired “things kids say when they’re being jerks.” If they live long enough to reach middle school, we can expect the Kids to give us strung-out junkie Whatevs, Vegas card-shark Deal With It, and the principal character from Marvin, O. Crap.

Hey, Thel — that kitchen is a pigsty. And hot dogs for dinner again? Seriously, woman, just what the hell do you do all day?

— Uncle Lumpy

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Ziggy, 10/28/12

So I was reading today’s Ziggy and enjoying the little movie I made in my head about what led up to this. (Making up cruel, elaborate backstories about Ziggy’s suffering is the main reason people read Ziggy, yes?) So, yes, Ziggy won a trip to “Paris” (presumably from his local travel agency where people are mean to him all the time), and didn’t read the fine print, and then put on a beret to get on the plane to University of Illinois Willard Airport (the closest with regular commercial service to Paris, Illinois, as everybody knows), then got into a cab at this airport, with the cabbie presumably being in on the joke somehow (maybe the cruel travel agent arranged for him to pick up Ziggy in advance?), and then the cabbie just dumped Ziggy and his luggage in the middle of the road at the Paris, Illinois city limits. That last part is my favorite. Like, I’m assuming that as part of this elaborate dumb prank Ziggy actually was given a hotel room, maybe at the Super 8, but no, instead of driving him there, the cabbie decided that the sign with “Illinois” on it was the perfect place to for Ziggy to finally have his horrible realization that once again something he thought might be good in his life is only another opportunity for humiliation. Enjoy your time in Paris, Illinois, Ziggy! Enjoy walking to the Super 8 from wherever it is you are! It’s at the intersection of Highway 150 and Highway 1, FYI.

Momma, 10/28/12

I find this strip fairly unbelievable. If we know one thing about Francis, it’s that his friends are drunken good-time ne’er-do-wells. Why would he be going to a Halloween party where everyone has the same unimaginative costume and people get upset at the mere mention of alcohol? I think he may have accidentally fallen in with a cult.

Family Circus, 10/28/12

Note to anyone studying how post-modern capitalism affects the imagination of children: Kids become unable to conceptualize play-worlds that do not featured branded, licensed characters sometime between whatever age PJ is supposed to be and whatever age Jeffy is supposed to be.

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Mark Trail, 10/25/12

How hard has everyone instantly fallen in love with Ol’ Pop, the kindly patriarch of this nest of heavily armed thugs? Very hard, I’m guessing! I’m looking forward to the fun as he and Mark get to know each other. “How long have you been in this guerrilla band, Pop?” “We’re not a band of anything, son! Certainly not anything political like ‘guerrillas,’ which implies some sort of political or ideological goals. We’re just poor peasants trying to get rich by seizing Americans at gunpoint if they happen to sail too close to our village and then holding them for ransom! Now shut up and don’t touch anything in my hut or I’ll slit your throat.”

Momma, 10/25/12

“Man, I sure wish Momma would cut it out with the gross Oedipal schtick and find another direction for its sexuality-themed jokes,” said all readers of the strip until they read today’s installment and then collapsed in gibbering horror.

Family Circus, 10/25/12

“I’m leaning towards angel, because to be a saint you have to be really, really good, but to be an angel you only have to be regular-level good and also dead.”

Spider-Man, 10/25/12

I may poke fun at the journalistic bona fides of J. Jonah Jameson, Peter Parker, and the Daily Bugle here, but you have to admit that they’re doing better than the people over at the Las Vegas Vista. “Holy crap, chief,” said the top political reporter, “There’s going to be a presidential election in just a few weeks! Let’s get a news story on today’s front page! I’ll do some research and have a feature on who exactly the candidates are for Sunday.”

Apartment 3-G, 10/25/12

“And I prefer to call it 180 pounds of confidence! Are you the one behind all those ‘Is Greg Cooper packing on the pounds’ items in Walter Scott’s Personality Parade? What the hell kind of publicist are you?”

Crankshaft, 10/25/12

Jeff’s mom has met a courtly gigolo, in what is probably the single most cheerful Funkyverse development in recent memory.

Marmaduke, 10/25/12

Do you know who else was a failed artist?