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Mary Worth, 5/28/11

Oh, well, this isn’t terrifying at all. Just Dr. Drew thinking about how he needs to explain to Liza in excruciating detail how “breaking up” works, while, unnoticed, Liza, who has managed to surreptitiously burrow under Drew’s flesh, bursts out triumphantly, like Athena out of Zeus’s brow. Only stalkier!

Spider-Man, 5/28/11

Yes, Spidey wasn’t able to save the one Dr. Morbius loved — you know, Martine? The one who was a real, actual vampire? I’m not vampire expert (nosferatologist?) or anything, but I’m pretty sure that one of the scary things about vampires is that they’re mostly immortal, and can only be killed in a certain limited number of ritualized ways, and none of those ways are “being dropped off a building.”

Lockhorns, 5/28/11

The Lockhorns may fight all the time and hate each other so, so much, but that doesn’t meant that they don’t share some pastimes. For instance, they enjoy going down the park and making snide comments about the way the Kids Today dress, all the while looking very much like they want to kill themselves.

Family Circus, 5/28/11

This would just be run of the mill Keane Kids Saying The Darndest Things if not for the look of genuine embarrassment on Barfy’s face. Ha ha, no resident of the Keane Kompound can escape the omnipresent crushing body shame!

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Family Circus, 5/12/11

I suppose the joke here is supposed to be kind of the flipside of the Mother’s Day installment; both have at their core the sad fact that the Keane Kids are semi-feral slobs who would, if not for Mommy’s constant attention, live in their own filth. But I’d like to believe that we’re seeing a progression here from Sunday’s episode: after the unseen fiasco of her very special dinner, during the course of which every single meticulously arranged outfit was in short order coated with a viscous layer of ketchup and boogers, she just decided to give up entirely. What we’re seeing here is the nicest outfit that Billy has left only a few days after his mother stopped grooming him. Soon the kids will be lurching around the house in gunny sacks (lurching because nobody will bother cutting out arm or leg holes for them).

Herb and Jamaal, 5/12/11

Ha ha, Herb, your daughter has no time for your weak and ancient Semitic sky deity! She will only offer prayers to her awesome and majestic insect god!

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Apartment 3-G, 5/8/11

As near as I’ve been able to tell, Trey has big plans to remake the Mills Gallery in a retro-Art Deco style, and has managed to convince his firm to underwrite the project rather than actually be paid by the client who will benefit from the makeover. Now, I’m as bored with both enormous, inhuman sheets of glass and exhaustingly whimsical Gehry-esque postmodernism as the next guy, but I’m not sure the solution is just to gin up some kind of throwback visual language and turn a perfectly nice art gallery into a slightly more upscale Johnny Rockets. And I’m definitely certain that anyone whose big idea for architecture revolves around nostalgia shouldn’t be displaying the sudden and unsettling delusions of grandeur that Trey is throwing off in the last two panels. Only one person in Apartment 3-G is allowed to indulge in that kind of unjustified megalomania, Trey, and you’d better ratchet back if you ever want to sleep with her again.

Spider-Man, 5/8/11

Ha ha, any day where Spider-Man gets bonked in the back of the head with a club-like object is a good one! But Martine shouldn’t be so proud of whatever vampire power she believes defeated our hero’s spider-sense, since the exact same attack has in the past been successfully executed by some random criminal henchman and a snooty butler, neither of which were undead bloodsuckers, as near as anyone could tell.

Family Circus, 5/8/11

Ha ha, Mommy! Your worry-wart fantasy shows that you’re starting from a false premise: You apparently believe that your family is taking you to a nice restaurant for Mother’s Day. There’s no need to dress the kids in nice shirts — or indeed in any shirts at all — if you’re just ordering at the drive-through window!

Panels from Hagar the Horrible, 5/8/11

In other news, Hagar’s wife Helga appears to have completely lost it.