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Family Circus, 3/31/24

Some might think that Billy’s smug expression in the second panel here is just because he thought of a good (i.e., very bad) pun for his little fill-in cartoon. Those people aren’t familiar with what a little shit Billy is. It’s actually because he thought “Jesus is the Son, and he’s rising … hey, you know who else is the son? Me! Easter is the day for all of us sons, doing our thing, getting recognition for it! Except Jeffy, obviously. And the other one, the one who doesn’t talk, what’s his name.”

Hi and Lois, 3/31/24

Did you think you were going to be able to get through one sacred holiday without your terrible children ruining it by being little turds? Hi and Lois, the edgy modern newspaper comic for today’s cynical world, is here to deliver a resounding no on that point.

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Six Chix, 3/17/24

I caused a bit controversy last year when I said that I found the idea of eternal punishment morally objectionable. Still, no matter what your take on that opinion, I think we can all agree nobody deserves to suffer an infinite afterlife of physical torture just because they didn’t live up to some heavenly dress code that isn’t documented anywhere. Do you enjoy sleeping in the nude? Did you have a fatal heart attack in your sleep? Sorry, hope you enjoy having your guts pulled out by demons every day forever, because that’s what you’re getting!

Blondie, 3/17/24

Speaking of eternal torment, you have to assume Dagwood is trying to get fired at this point, right? There’s no way you change “$5,000,000” to “$4,999,500” on accident. Sorry Dagwood, you are still going have to keep working for DithersCo forever, for your various crimes!

Family Circus, 3/17/24

Each of the scenarios everyone is visualizing is something realistic that almost certainly happened to them, so I’m going to assume that at some point, PJ was abandoned in the woods by his parents. I guess they didn’t drive far enough and he made it back? Anyway, the implication is that Jeffy, who’s imagining nothing, isn’t allowed outside the house at all, which is probably for the best.

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Dick Tracy, 3/11/24

OK, fine, after my uninformed joking yesterday, I am back to reading the comics so you don’t have to and can inform you that (a) these strips are a flashback and (b) these two “dumb housecleaners” are actually retired FBI agents/Little Orphan Annie’s biological parents (you can tell by the lack of pupils, I guess?), who are somehow involved in thwarting the attempt to kidnap Oliver Warbacks. This is exactly what I don’t like about these kinds of retcons, honestly: now we have to believe that Warbucks and Annie were somehow tied together before she was even born — that’s her in utero there in panel two and three — when there was already a perfectly good origin story to their relationship (Warbucks bought her from a crooked orphanage to burnish his public image so he could keep selling defective artillery shells to that commie FDR).

Judge Parker, 3/11/24

Judge Parker artist Mike Manley is having health issues, and I have no insider information beyond that, but even though his name is on the strip a series of guest artists have filled in for him intermittently over the past few months. Today is the first showing from Gil Thorp’s Rod Whigham — I recognize those meaty hands and shocked eyelines anywhere. (This feels a bit like an echo of when then-Apartment 3-G artist Frank Bolle briefly filled in on Gil Thorp back in 2008.) Get well soon, Mike, but until then Rod’s going to be guiding us through a storyline where I assume the Spencer-Driver clan puts aside their differences and closes ranks to prevent Ann, last seen having a heated argument with this guy, from going away for murder.

Family Circus, 3/11/24

Aw, look how happy Jeffy looks here! He’s very sure he was born a whole person and isn’t an eldritch abomination assembeled out of various parts, and we should let him continue to hold that impression, even though it isn’t true.

Slylock Fox, 3/11/24

Look, the newspaper comics need all the help they can get, so its actually totally fine when Slylock Fox decides to cash in on all that SLICK SMITTY NUDE SLICK SMITTY GETTING OUT OF SHOWER SLICK SMITY DRIPPING WET search traffic.