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Family Circus, 5/17/18

I feel reasonably confident in asserting that this art is repurposed with only the punchline changed to be more “contemporary,” which of course leads me to wonder what the captions were for the innumerable previous times it ran. Here are my best guesses:

• 2009: “I wonder if Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall because he couldn’t believe the 3-D effects of the hit movie Avatar.”
• 2001: “I wonder if Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall because he forgot 9/11 and didn’t support our troops.”
• 1993: “I wonder if Humpty Dumpty fell of the wall because he was busy doing the Macarena.”
• 1985: “I pity the fool who falls off a wall!”
• 1979: “I wonder if Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall because of” [checks Wikipedia] “stagflation and the Iran Hostage Crisis.”
• 1974: “You know who was a real bad egg? Richard Nixon!”
• 1968: “Daddy says if you don’t vote for Nixon you’re probably a Communist, just like that stupid egg that fell off the wall.”
• 1960: “I wonder if Humpty Dumpty fell off the wall because he he drank too much of the soda Daddy keeps in his pocket!”

The Lockhorns, 5/17/18

Sure, we all know the Lockhorns will go to any length in their attempt to destroy one another emotionally. But violating HIPAA? Too far, Loretta. Too far.

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Shoe, 5/12/18

Today’s Shoe is one of those strips that really drives home the care that’s been put into coming up with grotesque chimeric body plans for the strip’s bird-people characters. There’s something in particular about putting clothes on them that drives it home: the Perfesser, in particular, is very obviously not wearing pants, as that would make the fan of tail feathers emerging from his suit jacket impossible; one must assume, in panel one, that his tie, too long for human fashion, is in fact meant to be decorously draped over his bird-junk. His “sexy” interlocutor, in constrast, exhibits a number of mammalian characteristics — not just the hourglass figure, but the long cascade of hair, plus the feminine eyelashes protruding so far from her face that they’re visible when her eyes are not, though their very troubling length seems to imply that they’re fake. Maybe her hair is too! Maybe all the non-bird-features on these creatures are in fact cosmetics or surgical enhancements, adding status in their weird bird society! God, this strip is an endless nightmare.

Mark Trail, 5/12/18

I guess I’ve made my peace with the fact that Mark and Cherry showing off their hot bods is something this strip is going to do from time to time, but I will not sit back and accept the fact that Rusty is ripped. When he looked like Ted Cruz but somehow also handsome that was bad enough, but those pecs? Too far.

Family Circus, 5/12/18

“Instead of a heart, I drew a circle because all our misshapen human organs will be replaced by a powerful, glowing orb when The Change comes!”

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Mark Trail, 5/5/18

Is it just me or has this “Rusty woos a young lady” plotline suddenly transformed Mark’s ward from his usual form as a hideous boy-thing into a handsome lad with piercing blue eyes? We all know that we can’t just change our appearance at a whim, that would be absurd, so I have to assume that we’re seeing Rusty’s own mental image of himself at this precise moment, influenced by some combination of close proximity to a girl who isn’t visibly recoiling from him in horror and the lower oxygen levels at high altitude.

Mary Worth, 5/5/18

Good lord! Wilbur’s so far gone that he’s failed to adequately oil up his combover, leaving it to blow willy-nilly in the ocean breeze! Just give him a firm shove over the cliff, Mary; if he were in his right mind, he would much prefer death to a life like … this.

Crankshaft, 5/5/18

Crankshaft dropped so many pills under the fridge that he brought in the cops and a drug-sniffing dog to find them, ha ha! In other news, Centerville has a serious drug problem in its high school.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/5/18

“Baby rabies” is the kind of rabies you get when you’re bitten by a rabid baby. It’s the worst kind of rabies there is and as a medical professional Rex should not be joking about it!

Family Circus, 5/5/18

Aww, isn’t that cute! The car is Jeffy’s cloth mother!