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Mark Trail, 3/31/18

Ha ha, Marlin looks horrified in that last panel, doesn’t he! “Wow, I thought … I thought I would just come by and deliver some cages, maybe tranq an elephant or two. But apparently, I’m going to have to punch out a rhino. I’m probably gonna die in the process, or at least be horribly injured, but it looks like I don’t have any choice in the matter.”

Funky Winkerbean, 3/31/18

“By which I mean things will soon give rise to a massive explosion that will poison the area around it for years.”

Hi and Lois, 3/31/18

So, uh, Thirsty has been immobile out in his lawn chair in various types of inclement weather for two weeks now? That … that can’t good.

Judge Parker, 3/31/18

Remember the last lady the then-future Judger Parker Jr. urged to “call me Randy“? She was just an innocent paralegal named April who didn’t even know how to use chopsticks, who later turned out to be a CIA assassin and member of a family of arms dealers and international criminals and probably did know how to use chopsticks, very well, and also how to use various deadly knives and other killing implements. What I’m trying to say is that we’re going to find out some real dirt on Toni Bowen sometime in, say, 2023.

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Funky Winkerbean, 3/30/18

Yesterday Mopey Pete told Darin that he and Mindy were “taking it slow,” by which he meant only communicating by email, which wasn’t “funny” per se, and also turns out to not be “true” either. Anyway, today apparently Mindy texted him a nude pic, which Pete immediately showed to Darin, because he’s a real class act!

Marvin, 3/30/18

Usually toys are only recommended for older kids because they’re choking hazards — like, babies will shove anything into their mouths, so if toys are too small or have parts that break off easily, they can easily kill the baby. So I say go for it, kids!

Dick Tracy, 3/30/18

Stung to death by a giant jellyfish with a cute name? Finally, a death worthy of the hall of fame!

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Blondie, 3/25/18

I’m pretty much in awe of Blondie’s grim determination to constantly wedge in references to whatever noncontroversial current event is going to be happening when its strips are published, presumably weeks or months after they’re actually written. I hope that you, like the cast of Blondie, are enjoying “Final Four week,” the week-long celebration of the Final Four that we all know and love! I also hope that you’re in awe of Mr. Dithers’ ability to bounce a bound paper report up and down like a basketball, in violation of all laws of physics. People are gonna ask, “What’s the key indicator that what we’re seeing is some kind of ‘heightened reality,’ perhaps a hallucination or spirit vision?”, and most people are gonna go for Mr. Dithers’ six feet of vertical lift in the next-to-last panel, but for my money it’s him bouncing that unbounceable report, and by merely calling Dithers a “pretty decent dribbler” Dagwood is showing some profound disrespect.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/25/18

“Look, do you want everyone in this town dead of heart disease by 55 or not? I thought you were on board with the Montoni mission statement.”

Mary Worth, 3/25/18

Wait a minute … Wilbur is lonely and depressed, abandoned by his daughter and girlfriend, haunted by his many failures, and Mary is going to … take him to the top of a cliff … and have him contemplate his sad, broken life?

IT’S HAPPENING

IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING