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Crankshaft, 5/7/16

Dr. Crouse: “Mr. Murdoch, I think I can save us both a lot of time: engage sincerely with the people and events in your life and don’t reduce them all to setups for stupid jokes.”

Jeff: “Is there an app for that?”

Dr. Crouse: “That will be one hundred seventy-five dollars. See you again never.”

Funky Winkerbean, 5/7/16

Team Funky: “Oops, I guess ‘Explosions cause lovemaking because lovemaking causes explosions’ is more of a non sequitur than a joke. Maybe if we put in a lot of extra words nobody will notice.”

What’s wrong with the time-honored “Nothing like this has ever happened to me before”?

Sally Forth, 5/7/16

Faye struggles to keep Hilary from turning into Ted without turning herself into Sally. Not going well.

I had hoped that Nona, Hilary, and Faye were going to step into the roles of Tommie, Lu Ann, and Margo in an Apartment 3-G reboot. But now it looks likelier that Tommie, Lu Ann, and Margo will leave Manhattan to duke it out back home with their respective dysfunctional families. Could still be good!

– Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 4/29/16

Pop quiz, y’all! Who are the saddest people in the comics todays? Are they Dawn and Harlan, psyching each other up to make out by staring at a statue and assuring each other that their greatness is the reason nobody else wants to hang out with them?

Funky Winkerbean, 4/29/16

Is it the next-gen teen characters of Funky Winkerbean, whose names I have never bothered to learn, and who are already so convinced of life’s eternal, oppressive gloom that they look forward to their future dementia wiping their minds clean?

Gil Thorp, 4/29/16

Nope! It’s the guy in panel two of today’s Gil Thorp, who’s so desperately lonely that he leaves the radio on all the time just to hear other human voices, even those humans are Gil Thorp and Marty Moon, and they’re talking about high school baseball.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/21/16

[extremely science nerd voice] Excuse me Tony, but while it is true that Mercury experiences temperature extremes, the theory that you seem to be referencing here, that one side of the planet is always pointed at the sun and the other always pointed away, was disproved way back in 1965, as anyone who actually watches the Science Channel would know and … oh, no, I’m wasting my life.

Herb and Jamaal, 4/21/16

[extremely newspaper comics nerd voice] Excuse me, but everyone who reads this strip knows that Jamaal actually lives upstairs from a laundromat, so it would be highly illogical for him to refer to a “neighborhood” laundromat when he could just wash his clothes and annoy women in his own … oh, no, I’m doing it again.

Heathcliff, 4/21/16

I honestly think that “I don’t like that” should replace “I’m thinking of unfriending him on Facebook” as the go-to punchline for every Heathcliff ever. It’s less specific, but I guarantee it will literally always make sense.