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HELLO EVERYBODY! Thank you all for being so well-behaved while your beloved Uncle Lumpy was here and in charge! I’m back from my journey and what did I find in the mail when I returned home but some FABULOUS MAGNETS from MAGNET-MEISTER MATT CROWE!

Those of you who have been patiently awaiting magnets (and possibly tote bags) since the spring fundraiser will be getting yours soon! They’ll be in the mail by the end of the week.

Anyway! Let’s get back to what we’re all here for: comics in which a shark is covered in bleeding open sores!

Mark Trail, 7/29/15

Ha ha, that last image is … something, right? Like, last we saw this shark, it just had some mild scarring, but now it’s just straight-up bleeding all over the place. Who knew nature could be so gross! I did, actually, which is why I never go outside if it all possible and shriek like a terrified child if some non-human lifeform manages to get into my house.

Apartment 3-G, 7/29/15

Oh, hey, don’t forget that before Greg was Margo’s boyfriend, he and Lu Ann went on a some dates and did some weird sex (?) stuff, which Margo claimed a little too loudly not to care about. Should we stoke those fires of jealousy for plot-engine purposes again, only much more confusingly, in keeping with Apartment 3-G 2015 style? Sure, why not!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/29/15

Yesterday, Past Lisa was finally on the verge of figuring out that Future Lisa is Dead Lisa, which means that today we’re cutting quickly over to … Past Les. Because remember, the most important thing about Lisa is that she died/will die, and the most important thing about her death is how it affected/will affect Les. Verb tenses get weird when time travel is involved, but some things are eternal.

Hi and Lois, 7/29/15

“Try not to make noise. The Skinner Box experiment is reaching day five, and while all of Trixie’s material needs have been met, we don’t want her knowing that other human beings exist outside her enclosure. It will mess up the data.”

Marvin, 7/29/15

Speaking of babies who should be placed into isolation chambers, Marvin is visiting a farm, I guess? Ha ha, the joke is that Marvin is like a disgusting, filthy animal! Sometimes I think this strip hates its title character almost as much as I do.

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/28/15

Well, finally! Lisa Crawford (décédé Moore), Funky Winkerbean‘s axis, muse, and paragon — and the only remotely plausible justification for this tedious time-travel story — puts in her appearance, and her friends handle it with their usual grace.

Lisa became quite the saucy gamine in the runup to her miserable death, but this is Original Lisa — mousy, hunched over, and perpetually chilly despite her enormous shapeless cardigan. After all, the Funky Winkerbean audience can easily buy into a high-school locker time travel story, but a hot chick going for Les crosses a line.

Judge Parker, 7/28/15

Of course Dalton has something for Sam — because no Judge Parker story can end before the Bestowing of the Gifts.

Archie, 7/28/15

Say, is that Jughead’s Dad, Jones père? I don’t believe we’ve seen him before! Anyway, Mr. Jones is a dead-eyed drone who wants to crush his son’s youthful exuberance and joy in a beautiful summer day!

That’s it for me — Josh will be back tomorrow with the very latest in newspaper comics mockery. Thanks for a fun time!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Funky Winkerbean, 7/24/15

Hey Old Cindy, news flash: popularity comes from people liking you. Young Cindy isn’t wearing a “popularity mask” — in her time she is genuinely, extraordinarily, and (imagine this) hilariously popular. And far from loathing herself, she feels really good about it. If you managed to talk yourself into regretting all that, it’s your loss — Young Cindy is having a blast.

Maybe Young Cindy should point out that bossy olds like you are forever bringing kids down telling them to stop having fun, and just because your Special Lesson cost you so much doesn’t mean it’s worth anything to her. And that her drink needs refreshing so excuse me lady, sheesh.

Hey, I guess in some crazy way that “self-loathing” thing was right after all!

Herb and Jamaal, 7/24/15

OK, Generic Customer Guy, what’s your beef? You didn’t like hanging out and watching TV with your friends, and you don’t like hauling stuff around for your friends, so I’m getting the impression you just really don’t like these friends! Go find new ones … like me, for example! It just so happens I’m replacing a fence out back, and will accept a generous offer to haul some lumber in lieu of a formal introduction.

Reminder: no Comments of the Week on my watch – Josh alone stands in judgment! I hope you enjoy your weekend as much as I enjoy building a fence with my new friend!

— Uncle Lumpy