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Funky Winkerbean, 4/19/12

Congrats to Funky Winkerbean for coming up with a storyline that finally makes me feel hate for it again, instead of just bemused indifference! I don’t know why I find Underclassman Nerd Whose Name I Don’t Remember’s love for Summer so irritating. As a nerd myself who likes feisty, non-demure gals, you’d think I’d be in his corner, but I just find his whole strategy and technique annoying and doomed. Since he first fell for her because she rescued him from a bully, I suppose that the inevitable ending of this plot, in which Summer punches U.N.W.N.I.D.R. in the face, will at least provide some O. Henry-style chuckles.

Today’s strip also made me laugh joylessly at the thought that Montoni’s represents “good pizza,” rather than “the only pizza you can eat outside your home in this hell-burg, and also Summer’s dad works there so what do you expect.”

Crock, 4/19/12

You guys, nobody tell the creators of Crock that “pitch a tent” is a euphemism for sporting a visible erection, OK? I don’t want them to be embarrassed about how they accidentally used the phrase in this comic. (I choose to believe that they’re unfamiliar with this bit of modern-day slang, because the alternative is too awful to contemplate.)

Marvin, 4/19/12

Marvin’s parents can’t bring themselves to kill him with a rock, so they’ve just fled from the house and are letting him starve to death.

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Funky Winkerbean, 4/17/12

So this perky underclassman nerd is attempting to woo jock senior Summer by means of anonymous text messages, which sounds like something that most girls would find spectacularly creepy and would probably earn him a punch in the face, but in the Funkyverse there’s a 50-50 chance this will result in true love. It did make me wonder (a) if anonymous text messages are even something you can send from your phone, (b) if so how a reply could get back to you, and (c) assuming such things exist, if anyone really calls them “restricted texts” as our amorous dweeb has been doing. Then I realized that I had just a little too much self respect to put the energy into researching the answers to these questions, so I didn’t! Aren’t you proud of me?

Mark Trail, 4/17/12

By “updating an aerial survey of his area,” Doc of course means “masturbating.” He knows that Mark will go in search of Tom, and hopes that, in stumbling upon him in the act of onanism, Mark will finally be forced to confront the reality of human sexuality. Decades of marriage to Doc’s daughter hasn’t done the trick, so this may be his last chance.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/17/12

So far, this plot’s central mystery has revolved around the dead Foster’s true character. Was he a lovable old rogue who perhaps drank a bit more than he should? Or was he a hateful alcoholic dick? The fact that he left for his daughter a book (one that everyone keeps emphasizing “reads like a screenplay”) that’s full of traumatizingly hot sex scenes involving her mother seems to tip things towards the latter possibility.

Spider-Man, 4/17/12

The last bit of dramatic tension in this storyline has been resolved without any help whatsoever from our ostensible protagonist, so now he can finally celebrate Spidey-style! Spidey-style celebration apparently consists of a little jig that’s frankly embarrassing to watch, because dancing is one of the many, many things Spider-Man sucks at.

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Hi and Lois, 4/5/12

Here is a comic about a dad getting snot all over a ball he’s about to throw back to his son.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/5/12

Here is a comic about sad, desperate alcoholism.

Luann, 4/5/12

Here is a comic about Brad and Toni making out.

B.C., 4/5/12

Here is a comic about a turtle vomiting.