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Slylock Fox, 10/12/08

This here in a nutshell is why my growing affection for Reeky Rat doesn’t translate into respect for his fellow small-mammal small-time crook, Shady Shrew. When caught in his acts of petty theft, Reeky adopts an air of sneering bravado, spinning alibis so outrageous that he’s almost daring you to throw him in jail. Shady, on the other, just seems pathetic, his attempts at pinning his pointless crimes (stealing tires off a police car?) on others just coming across as increasingly desperate improvisations. In addition, Reeky has an inimitable sense of style, while Shady favors the baggy, shapeless uniform of furtive perverts everywhere.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/12/08

Never has this strip come closer to really acknowledging its transformation from light-hearted high school romp to depressing trudge towards inevitable death. “I miss the days when everything ahead was bright and shining … instead of foggy, and grey, and full of tumors.”

Judge Parker, 10/12/08

You read it here first, everybody: THE DOG DID IT. That creepy little critter stole the rifle and took its revenge on the man who dumped the owner she adores. She’s smiling at you because she knows you’ll never figure it out, Sam.

I’m glad to see that the Phoenix police department has loosened its dress code enough so that black leather pants are OK for homicide detectives to wear on the job.

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Mary Worth, 10/9/08

“Yes, Toby, a, er, colleague! His name is Owen … Owen, er, Blameron. Professor Blameron confided in me that he received an e-mail that offered a surprisingly low price on a number of delectable videos, such as ‘Sexy Scottish Lassies,’ ‘Sorority Girls Can’t Resist An English Prof,’ ‘Younger Woman, Chinbearded Lover’ … well! You get the picture! This Blameron fellow could hardly be expected to resist such an offer, could he? But when the charges that appeared on his card were much higher than advertised, and then the videos never did arrive, I — er, he, I mean, he — eventually came to the conclusion that he’d been had. Sadly, the man was too embarrassed to admit what had happened to his credit card company, and when his credit rating tanked, the only mortgage he was able to afford, despite his respectable position at the top-ranked second-tier school in the University of California system, was on a pathetic one-bedroom apartment in a aesthetically blighted post-war condo complex where fun and joy go to die … where was I? Oh, yes, don’t worry about your little identity theft thing, happens to the best of us. Um, I’ve heard, from my colleague, I should say.”

Archie, 10/9/08

Ha ha, Jughead’s hunger for free hamburgers is so intense that the promise of them grants him superpowers! But Archie had better hope that said powers are only temporary, because when Jughead finds out that there are not, in fact, free burgers on offer, he’s likely to come back to the pool and crack Archie’s skull open like a walnut.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/8/08

Today’s Funky Winkerbean features two creepy middle-aged men talking about buying and selling teenage girls! It’s there to make you say, “Hey, how about another cancer storyline? That would be significantly less disturbing.”

In other news, today’s Medium Large has a special treat for Pluggers fans.

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Mary Worth, 10/5/08

If I had to Scotch^® tape an episode of Mary Worth to the side of Voyager XLIV or whatever the hell number they’re up to now, it would be this classic: blue-and-yellow drama lighting, hand-jivin’ histrionics, a “happier times” bedstand photo and the lonely, lonely park bench Toby fears will be her future home. Added bonus: no Mary! Why inflict her on the stars, and risk their terrible retribution?

Ian’s fury, of course, is less about trust than the unconscionable $1.09 charge from Pretty Purposes. It’s tempting to suspect Toby’s dream of duplicity equal to Ian’s — a message from her subconscious to get out now! But since Toby never listens to her conscious, what chance could its downstairs neighbor have?

Panel from Judge Parker, 10/5/08

Ha ha ha! Wait, we missed that?

Panel from Pardon My Planet, 10/5/08

You know, you two never smile any more, and your looks are starting to go. It’s pretty obvious blow has taken over your lives, and it’s time for an intervention. I know a lady.

Panel from Funky Winkerbean, 10/5/08

I think we’re in for a week of “Everybody Loves the Dead Chick.”

Here’s an exercise: We’ve had phishing in Mary Worth, hospice care in Rex Morgan, M.D., illiteracy in Crankshaft, pet adoption in Mutts, and of course — interminably — “Cancer is Bad” in Funky Winkerbean. I’m sure I’ve forgotten scores of others, but what new Public Service Announcement opportunities are out there for a comic strip that wants to Make a Difference rather than Entertain its Readers? Shoe cautions us about the dangers of H5N1* Bird Flu? Sherman’s Lagoon demonstrates best practices for water safety? Get Fuzzy portrays Bucky’s valiant struggle with rabies?

* Corrected from HN51 — thank you faithful reader Victor, and damn you, Google — damn you straight to hell!

Panel from Mark Trail, 10/5/08

But why go out on such a sour note? Look! It’s a skink!

Josh will be back tomorrow with COTW — and maybe tales of his Hot Blogger calendar photo shoot in NYC?

Thanks everybody for a fun week!

— Uncle Lumpy