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Dick Tracy, 2/6/21

Ahh yes, it’s Pouch, the beloved ancillary Dick Tracy character/criminal informant/balloon merchant who’s named after the utterly horrifying pendulous curtain of flesh hanging off his chin, which has a pouch with a snap where he can hide things. Anyway, if you’re like me, which is to say extremely normal, after a lot of strips where Pouch is loitering in the park, selling his balloons and/or information about underworld activity, you’ve probably wondered, “Say, what’s Pouch’s home life like?” Well, today’s Dick Tracy is here to report that it is in fact pretty bleak, since his “home” appears to be a seedy hotel and all he has for entertainment is a police scanner disguised as a Star Trek: The Original Series tricorder. His helium tank sitting in the corner is a nice touch though! Something I definitely have never wondered about is what his weird, gross neck pouch would like from the perspective of someone standing over his shoulder, but one of you sickos must’ve thought about this, because today’s strip is forcing us to contemplate it.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/6/21

Mel Brooks once said that “Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” That’s the only logic I can discern as the driver to this strip, in which Funky, who lives in a universe of constant misery, illness, and death, has deemed a successful minor surgery that will immediately improve his quality of life a “tragedy.” Anyway, I certainly hope this aide is saying “lucky you” right as he gives Funky a gentle shove into off the curb and into oncoming traffic.

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Six Chix, 2/4/21

Everyone of us, of course, it absolutely goes without saying, is familiar with the phrase “your house is so warm and fuzzy,” the completely normal and indeed beloved English-language idiom that we all know and love. But what if — and stay with me here for this one — what if we took this phrase, whose metaphorical meaning we all understand, and treated it literally? And what literal scenario springs to mind more quickly when you think of a warm, fuzzy house than a nightmarish tangle of enormous caterpillars, writhing in great piles on top of your furniture and yourself! That would indeed be delightfully droll, as their chitinous legs scramble for purchase on your flesh!

Mother Goose and Grimm, 2/4/21

Speaking of taking metaphorical phrases literally, here’s today’s Mother Goose and Grimm, which I actually enjoyed quite a bit. The key, for me, is that Grimm doesn’t live on a farm at all in the everyday world of the strip. It’s as if he was wandering through the countryside, spotted an open barn door, and thought to himself, “Oh ho, the perfect opportunity to really blow some poor farmer’s mind.” Then he leaned up against the barn and waited, sipping from the cup of coffee he brought with him for just such an occasion.

Funky Winkerbean, 2/4/21

Like every character in the strip that bears his name, Funky long ago learned to deal with the utter misery that permeates his world by suppressing all feelings other than smugness and whatever prompts the endless smirks (also smugness, I guess, though occasionally it’s also pun-recognition). But now that he’s about to go under the knife, he needs to experience a real emotion, for what might be the last time. He’s begging everyone to help him, but neither he nor anyone else knows how to even begin.

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Apologies for giving you a double-dose of Funky Winkerbean today, but sadly I need two days’ worth of strips to provide the proper context for today’s commentary. Pretty amazing that I’m a guy who has to provide multi-day context for today’s Funky Winkerbean strip, as a job! Ha ha, a lot of choices have been a made that cannot be undone anymore, much to think about, etc., but the point is that this week’s strips take place at a band teachers’ convention and much of the content has involved band-themed puns on signs that characters gently smile at, as in yesterday’s strip:

Funky Winkerbean, 1/29/21

But not today! No, today’s strip is about band-themed puns on signs that character gently frown at:

Funky Winkerbean, 1/30/21

Why is the first pun smileworthy while the second is frown-inducing? I feel like this is the Rosetta Stone that, if I could just crack it, would allow me to truly and fully understand the Funkyverse. Furthermore, I assume that if I could achieve such a state of Funkyligthenment, I would be free of my compulsion to read and analyze the strip every day. Sadly, full understanding is still beyond my grasp, leaving me doomed to continue to gawk at Funkyworld in half-comprehending rage for the indefinite future.

Mary Worth, 1/30/21

Oh, it turns out the source of Eve’s anxiety attacks is PTSD from an abusive marriage, which isn’t very much fun at all! We’ll let you know when this strip returns to a more enjoyable level of wacky interpersonal drama.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/30/21

“I decided that risk was a lot of trouble for not a lot of payoff for me personally, so I stopped taking it. Guess you’ll be seeing a lot more of me around the office than you probably want to, ha ha!”

Crock, 1/30/21

They could’ve just ended this strip after the first panel. Get it? Because Crock sucks ass and is never funny! I alone have the guts to say this, no matter how much abuse I take for daring to speak the truth!