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Garfield, 2/7/12

So, here’s an absolutely true thing: for years now, every time my wife manages to one-up me on something, I say “It’s not a contest” and she dramatically replies “Says the loser!” The first time we did it was spontaneous, and now it’s just one of the catchphrases in the long-running sitcom that our marriage (like, I assume, most long-term relationships) has become. So you can understand why we found this strip both hilarious and unsettling. Still, it’s extremely unnerving to see someone you love say “Obviously Jim Davis is spying on us” with a completely straight face.

Hi and Lois, 2/7/12

Let’s ignore for the moment the whole “who-moved-my-cookie” office-hijinks har-har. For me, the thing that really captures the banality of white-collar life is the poster hanging up in the second panel. I’m assuming that “FF” stands for “Foofram,” the name of Hi and Thirsty’s employer, which I’ve kind of come to love. Remember, nothing boosts workplace morale like printing your corporate logo and “QUALITY” onto an 8 1/2 by 11 inch sheet of paper and scotch-taping it to the wall of the break room.

Mary Worth, 2/7/12

Not to brag or anything, but it turns out I was 100% correct about Nola’s techniques for turning aside Mary’s meddling. Having volunteered with no prying whatsoever her penchant for nonconsensual nonmonogamy, she can now lean back and simply watch Mary’s head explode.

Mark Trail, 2/7/12

Hey, remember when Tommy told us like six times that he would just leave his jacket lying around in the middle of the woods and Butch the blind dog would stay near it, when for no readily apparent reason Tommy would leave Butch the blind dog out in the woods by himself, and you were all like, “Well, that doesn’t make any sense.” Jokes on you, suckers! This particular Chekhovian gun has fired nicely! I mean, you have to admit that Jeff the bank robber seems like the kind of dude who would just put on some gross old jacket he found lying around in the forest without really thinking about it that much.

Spider-Man, 2/7/12

Meanwhile, Spider-Man has decided to try out this whole “super-heroics” thing, with predictable results.

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Gil Thorp, 1/7/12

Oh, man, this tattoo guy is something else. Not only is he evilly providing tattooing services to people who come and ask for them and pay him money; not only is he performing other forms of body modification that were shocking in 1995; but he’s also causing tingling sensations in the lady parts of innocent teenage girls, with his sexiness. Add in the fact that he’s apparently a filthy foreigner from Australia (or, worse, that he’s adopted the Aussies’ un-American slang) and we can all really get behind the inevitable threats of violence, and perhaps even actual implementations of violence, that Kaz will dish out to him sometime in March.

Garfield, 1/7/12

Speaking of threats of violence, once Jon accidentally stepped on Garfield’s tail, and Garfield responded by breaking Jon’s leg so savagely that it still causes him pain, years later! So, yeah, Garfield is a widely-syndicated comic that a lot of people enjoy.

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Mary Worth, 8/4/11

As you’d probably guessed by her stunningly attractive face and ponytail, Mary’s new best friend Gina the waitress is irresistible sexual catnip to all the gross old dudes who come in to eat at her crappy diner. Seriously, look at this creepy fellow, who’s slathered on the hair dye so indiscriminately that he’s managed to get a bunch of it in his ear. He’s also given Gina what appears to be a five-digit phone number, so maybe he’s just really nervous, or playing some larger head game with her, imagining her dialing 7-3-5-6-4 and standing at the phone dumbfounded, not understanding why she hasn’t yet reached the stud she desires. But little does he know that Gina has long ago given up any hope for love … ever again. Give her all phone numbers you want, it’ll do no good!

Anyway, obviously this guy is bad because he thinks his big tip will get Gina to have sex with him. Mary, on the other hand, thinks her big tip will get her unrestricted access to Gina’s life decisions, and she’s the hero of this comic. Mary can smell a mopey word balloon a mile away, so now we know that her meddling will be of the matchmaking variety. Probably she’ll try to hook her up with Dr. Drew, because Gina’s drippy passiveness is such a pleasant change from his last girlfriend.

Apartment 3-G, 8/4/11

Tommie’s eyes are crossing as she allows herself to dwell on her favorite fantasy: having kids with Margo. Margo will be the breadwinner, and Tommie will stay at home and teach the kids that they mustn’t ever bother Margo, especially when she’s been drinking or scheming.

Garfield, 8/4/11

So, Garfield is one of those strips where all the animals are sentient and have thought balloons, right? Like probably this fish had thought balloons that we could have seen, before Garfield killed it and savagely tore its skin and flesh away from its bones? Now he Jon are looking at its corpse!