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For Better Or For Worse, 3/31/08

My wife asked me to pass on this message to Ellie, Connie, and Lynn Johnston: IF YOUR ONLY CHILD IS A SON, YOU WILL NEVER GET TO BE A MOTHER OF THE BRIDE. IT DOESN’T MATTER HOW GAY HE IS.

I have no idea what exactly this strip’s patented Foob Pun is supposed to mean. Unless it involves owning your children like barnyard animals. Then you can mate them to suit your purposes and dress them up exactly the way you always fantasized about, and you don’t have to care about what they want or think! OK, it’s beginning to make sense.

Dick Tracy, 3/31/08

The current Dick Tracy storyline, in which a sinister villain is holding a batch of prominent citizens hostage in his mansion and Dick has snuck inside the compound inside an “antique Chinese kwanxoi” (a nonsense phrase we’ve heard repeated about six dozen times at this point) is pointless and dumb. Still, I admit that I’m not immune to the charms of today’s final panel, in which Detective Tracy is slithering out of the belly of this horse like some heavily armed intestinal parasite.

Mary Worth, 3/31/08

N … no! No Toby flashback! No! In the name of all that is good and holy, NO!

It may already be too late to stop it. Still, I’m hoping that Toby’s glassy-eyed stare in panel two is not meant to indicate that she’s casting her mind back to her pre-trophy-wife childhood days, but merely that she’s all Xanax’d to the gills, as usual.

Garfield, 3/31/08

Jon is about start peeing on everything. Garfield is right to leave.

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I thank everyone for your e-mails! You always keep me up-to-date on the latest comics-themed insanity from the dark recesses of the Web. But today there’s been such a flood on two items that I feel I should share them with the rest of you:

• We all had a good laugh at Garfield without his thoughts; but are you ready for Garfield minus Garfield? When will the nonstop abuse of poor Arbuckle end?
• Fark.com frequently has Photoshop contests, and today they launched one based on Mary Worth. Probably not safe for work, but utterly hilarious.

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Spider-Man, 2/12/08

Say, have you ever wondered what it would have been like if Casablanca ended not with Rick shooting Major Strasser and Captain Renault covering up for it, but with Rick hitting him in the back of the head and barely knocking him unconscious, after which the two of them just jauntily walk off to enjoy their last few hours of freedom before being sent to a concentration camp? Well, today’s Spider-Man is for you, sort of!

This is not to say that Spider-Man is a Nazi, as my scenario would imply. The Nazis may have been the most evil regime in history, but at least they did stuff. If all Hitler did was sit around watching TV and complaining about the Jews and their terrible sitcoms, the world would be a much better place.

Marmaduke, 2/12/08

Since there’s no way an actual plunger could be holding a bone in place like that, I’m going to guess that the problem found by Aace Plumbing is that Marmaduke’s family’s “plunger” is actually a ghastly trophy made out of a human femur. Possibly the femur of the last plumber who got too nosy.

Gil Thorp, 2/12/08

Well, now we know: Andrew Gregory is Tyler Jay with a longer head. The spit-curl resemblance is really uncanny; perhaps this is the haircut assigned to all new mentally unbalanced Gil Thorp characters. In panel two, the A-Train actually appears to be literally unbalanced as well, covering up his inability to stand up straight with his usual demented patter.

Judger Parker, 2/12/08

For those of you not following along with Judge Parker at home (and really, who could blame you if you aren’t), Gloria is giving Sam a more or less accurate recap of the story of How Steve Lost His Legs, as told to her by Steve in detail, which recounting we saw in this very comic strip mere days ago. I look forward to seeing Sam tell Abbey next week, who’ll tell Biff Dickens, who’ll tell his wife, and so an and so forth. It’ll be like a game of telephone, only this is Judge Parker, so it’ll be a boring game where the information doesn’t get changed in the retelling.

Garfield, 2/12/08

Comics in which Garfield drolly remarks on his sodomization by ice-cold thermometers = comedy gold. I’m totally serious about this.

Mark Trail, 2/12/08

yes bears bears bears bears RISE UP AND DEVOUR YOUR HUMAN OPPRESSOR, MY URSINE FRIEND