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Mary Worth, 1/5/11

Look at panel two in isolation and you’d think that Mary views father-son bonding as a spectator sport. “Here we go!” she thinks, as she pops something tan and oblong into her mouth. “They’re gonna hella bond! This is going to be great!” But check her out in panel one, looking blissed out as she shoves something or other up between her gum and her upper lip. I’m assuming it’s something hallucinogenic. “Here we go!” she’s saying in panel two. “Oh, the colors!”

Gil Thorp, 1/5/11

Much as I’ve been trying to avoid bringing it up, I feel have to acknowledge that the Gil Thorp basketball season plot seems to have set its two new characters — a Jesus-happy basketball player and an almost-certainly-gay teen as imagined by someone who’s heard of gay people but never actually met one — on a collision course. This certainly won’t be awkward, at all!

Gasoline Alley, 1/5/11

Speaking of piety, Gasoline Alley has continued its attempt to ditch its goody-goody image by dabbling in blasphemy. Today it suggests that the Holy Bible is best used as a weight-loss aid.

Spider-Man, 1/5/11

Spider-Man has lost interest in the middle of his own comic strip and let his mind wander. And who can blame him, really? I only wish he weren’t wearing his spider-mask in panel two, because it would be great to see his slack jaw and the little bit of drool emerging from the side of his mouth.

Luann, 1/5/11

Dear Luann,

Never use “finger” as a verb ever again.

Sincerely,
The Comics Curmudgeon

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Mary Worth, 1/3/11

Many longtime Mary Worth readers have been grumbling throughout this undeniably awesome Jill-themed storyline about the absence of Drew, Adrian’s brother, who tried unsuccessfully to date two boring women simultaneously and then was shipped off to Vietnam to help the needy, as punishment. Well, today we learn that he isn’t the type of brother who would just skip his sister’s wedding; he’s the type of his brother who would schedule his flight home for the last possible moment so that he “accidentally” misses the ceremony. Stay classy, Dr. Drew!

Actually, based on his twisted visage in panel two, Drew may have been staying away from the wedding in hopes that he would have recovered from his botched facelift by the time he had to pose for family pictures. It’s also possible that Mary got wind that fellow crone Aunt May had an army of nightmare fiends at her wedding and was determined to come up with at least one terrifying face for Adrian’s to keep pace.

Apartment 3-G, 1/3/11

I hope nobody was planning on coming up with 2011’s catchphrase of the year. I know we’re only three days in and all, but I’m pretty sure you’re not going to top “too fancy for Hoboken and too hot for church.”

Gasoline Alley, 1/3/11

Gasoline Alley, in a doomed attempt to win the attention of the foul-mouthed, vice-happy youth of today, has introduced its latest character: a swearing, smoking baby.

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Pluggers, 12/11/10

One of the running jokes with which I routinely irritate my friends and family comes up every time anyone discusses their plans for their mortal remains after their death. I always claim that I intend to have my corpse taxidermied and arranged in a heroic pose — possibly holding a sword, definitely naked — and that whoever wants to inherit my vast fortune will be required to place me somewhere prominent in their home. Now, this is all good fun (or at least it will be until my will is unsealed), but it did make my mind go someplace particularly grim upon seeing a typical Pluggers man-animal in a storefront taxidermist. At least pluggers don’t simply feast on the rotting flesh of their dead fellows, as the bird-inhabitants of their sister strip Shoe do. I for one would like to see a “plugger cemetery” (glassed-in display case) if only in the hopes that the taxidermist’s art provides the various schlubby, ill-dressed dead pluggers with a modicum of dignity and dynamism that was wholly lacking from their lives.

Gasoline Alley, 12/11/10

You don’t have to be following the current typically dull Gasoline Alley plot to appreciate today’s strip, in which the loathsome Slim’s mother-in-law does her best to pretend that he simply doesn’t exist.

Gil Thorp, 12/11/10

Oh, also, in Gil Thorp Jamaar died for our sins.