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Spider-Man, 3/2/10

It should OBVIOUSLY come as no surprise to anyone that faithful reader Chip Wittle’s comment of the week runner up would essentially come true — that Peter Parker, having left his stupid costume at home, would acquire a new stupid costume, from a costume shop. Hell, he already did this three years ago, when a then-slumming-in-LA Parker bought a vaguely pirate-y get-up and a plastic eye mask and dubbed himself “Justice Guy” (though if I’m remember correctly, the name may have resulted from a passerby mishearing his protestation that he was “just a guy”). But how to make this plot twist exciting and new for the hot Miami sun (and burning-hot Miami buildings)?

Well, the first step is to up the ludicrousness quotient of the costumes. If that lady isn’t rescued in the next few days by Justice Wizard, Super Wehrmacht Officer, or The Ballerina (or, better yet, by some combination of the three), I will be sorely disappointed. Then there’s the fact that this “Party Shop” is closed; last December Mark Trail proved that having your hero engage in a little vigilante breaking and entering is ratings gold, so obviously Spider-Man wants in on that action (although probably there will be less heroic window-smashing and more jiggling of doorknobs and whining). Finally, there’s the intriguing reason for the store closure. Presumably whatever comical outfit Spidey puts on will be lousy with influenza virus, which means that everyone he “rescues” for the remainder of this storyline will die of H1N1 sooner than later.

Hi and Lois, 3/2/10

Bored with his stultifying suburban life, Ditto has decided to strike out on his own with a couple of working men, riding the trash-collecting routes and seeting what real life has to offer! He’ll have a blast, until they sell him to a band of hobos.

Gasoline Alley, 3/2/10

Hmm, Frank Buckles is the last American World War I survivor, but Uncle Walt also served in the Great War, and everyone’s being circumspect about the context in which he did so. My conclusion: he actually fought for the Central Powers. This seemingly immortal fixture on the comics page will finally meet his end when, in the midst of a flashback, he puts on his Stahlhelm, fixes his bayonet, and charges the local police, believing them to be doughboys come to wrest Alsace-Lorraine from the Kaiser’s grasp.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/31/09

So Bobbie Merrill has spent the week angrily thought-ballooning while wandering through a suspiciously all-female Manhattan street scene, and today we learn the reason for the setting: she’s accidentally wandered into the crazed mob desperate to debase themselves on the humiliation-TV hit I Dressed In The Dark, a cultural phenomenon that Bobbie treats with richly deserved contempt. It’s hilarious to me that a character willing to offer up a “gift basket” (if you know what I mean) (and I think you do) to a portly middle-aged head-shrinker in return for prescription sleeping pills still turns out to have more dignity than Ruby and Tommie. Sorry, lady, Bobbie won’t be having any of what you’re selling, even though you work for “TV.”

Family Circus, 10/31/09

You might have expected the demonic holiday of “Halloween” to have been completely banned over at the Keane Kompound, but in fact Billy’s parents have dressed him up as the most terrifying thing they can think of: Daylight Saving Time, which is obviously a conspiracy by the U.N. and the Trilateral Commission to undermine American sovereignty and impose One World Government.

Gasoline Alley, 10/31/09

In the latest easily ignorable Gasoline Alley storyline, centenarian strip patriarch Walt Wallet and his caretaker Gertie went to a concert, only to be separated in a series of non-hilarious hijinks. Today’s strip is notable, however, because it appears to imply that it would really save everyone a lot of trouble if Walt were to take himself to the cemetery before dropping dead.

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Gasoline Alley, 8/19/09

I have been reading this Gasoline Alley storyline for the last several days, where Earl Lee Bird, a non-beloved character from a few plots back, makes a sudden reappearance on the Conan O’Brien show. Except that because this is comic-strip make believe so his name is actually given as CONAN O’BARBARIAN GET IT IT IS A JOKE BECAUSE HIS NAME IS UNUSUAL AND REMINDS YOU OF THE POPULAR MOVIE WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. It took several days of repeating Conan’s name EVERY DAY in this strip for me to even notice this, and yet it is the best joke in the comics page today. DAMN YOU COMICS YOU DISGUST ME.

Family Circus, 8/19/09

Oh, except the Keane Kids have found a new victim for the daily human sacrifice demanded by their family’s terrible god.