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Beetle Bailey, 2/5/16

I haven’t really tried, but I imagine that it’s nearly impossible to make a pancake that actually looks like anything other than a collection of circles, so I guess if we’re being realistic it’s impressive that Cookie has managed to create pancakes that look even vaguely like Sarge. However, considering that this is the fantasy world of the comics, where imagination and tiny printing sizes in newspapers are the only constraints, for this strip to work I think they should’ve looked … more obviously like Sarge? I think a lot of people are just going to read this as Cookie offering the soldiers slightly malformed pancakes, grinning broadly, and saying “Chew them good!”, which they might find off-putting. I find it off-putting and I know what the joke is supposed to be.

B.C., 2/5/16

Right, right, so, Thor is the brown-haired one! Pretty bittersweet that I’m finally learning to tell these characters apart as they’re killed off one by one.

Dennis the Menace, 2/5/16

“I don’t know if I want to engage in constant low-level violence on a lawless frontier that encroaches on the land of indigenous peoples, or serve as the right-hand man to a genocidal dictator!”

Gasoline Alley, 2/5/16

“My God, not the scrapbook! Pilot, shake loose the ranger and the boy, fly directly down into the inferno, and kill that bear as hard as you need to — the scrapbook must be rescued unharmed!”

Spider-Man, 2/5/16

ANOTHER VICTORY WON BY THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN

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Spider-Man, 1/23/16

NEWSPAPER SPIDER-MAN UPDATE: Spider-Man lost his battle with Namor, just like everyone assumed he would, and Mary Jane, in a last-ditch effort to save his life, agreed to be his undersea wife, which Namor requested way back at the beginning of this storyline and was totally heartbroken about when she said no. Yesterday Namor declined her offer, however, which I think we all assumed was for noble reasons … but noooooOOOOPE, he just wants to straight-up kill the shit out of Spider-Man. Truly he is Earth’s most selfless, and hilarious, ruler.

Mary Worth, 1/23/16

I’ve genuinely given up on trying to figure out where this plot is going to meander off to next. Maybe Olive is going to try to play matchmaker? “Sounds like you have a lot of restraint, Mr. Dill. Speaking of restraints, guess who here enjoys consensual, erotic B&D play?” [winks in Mary’s direction]

Gasoline Alley, 1/23/16

Gasoline Alley has transitioned to a storyline about talking animals fleeing in terror from a raging forest fire, and yet somehow is still about God-damned scrapbooking.

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Blondie, 1/7/16

For someone who’s as long established a figure in the office social scene as Dagwood, he sure has a sad, desperate need to be liked.

Zits, 1/7/16

I haven’t bothered to talk about Zits in years, but now that 2016 heralds an edgy reboot for the strip, in which an involuntarily emancipated Jeremy is forced to live in his rickety Volkswagen Bus, I admit I’m intrigued.

Gasoline Alley, 1/7/16

Boog’s reign of saccharine, pro-scrapbooking terror is finally about to end, as his parents start making out and barely even notice when he’s eaten by a bear.