Archive: Gil Thorp

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Gil Thorp, 12/6/18

Well, our Gil Thorp plots have, in traditional Gil Thorp fashion, combined into a semi-satisfying conclusion: Tiki Jansen, forced into a little light address fraud in order to escape his erstwhile criminal associates, enlisted the help of irritating movie buff and emergency substitute punter Joe Bolek in recording himself fleeing in terror from his old schoolmates, with the resulting piece of cinéma vérité praised both for its polemical power and for its mise en scène. I’m reasonably sure that it’s been established that the Mudlarks are in no way in playdown contention, which leaves only one loose plot thread remaining: namely, that Kaz holds his girlfriend Kelly and her intellectual film tastes in open contempt. Things could get really interesting if, for instance, some young Fellini aficionado like Joe Bolek were to wander into Kelly’s travel agency and told her he was “thinking about Italy,” if you know what I mean. (“Italy” refers to watching some Fellini movies and then having sex, and then talking about the movies afterwards, instead of just rolling over and falling immeidately sleep like certain assistant coaches we could mention.)

Barney Google and Snuff Smith, 12/6/18

Hear that, whiny libs? You don’t need big government helping you with your medical bills; you just need someone to beat the shit out of you so you can’t actually spend money other frivolities like poker. Wait, is the implication here that Snuffy got beat up during a poker game, because he cheats all the time? This is really a self-solving problem when you think about it.

Dick Tracy, 12/6/18

Ah, it seems that Polar Vortex’s sinister plot, focused on faxing and slow-walking invoice payments, has been brought down in ironic fashion, because the evil crime syndicate’s record-keeping was too meticulous. We’ve heard enough — time for the cops to show up and brutalize a lot of people with flagrant disregard for due process!

Mary Worth, 12/6/18

I guarantee that Mary doesn’t remember who or what “Jimmy” is, but it doesn’t matter. She learned from the sad story of Saul’s lost love Mia that an animal can plug the emotional hole that a dead human left behind, and she learned from the sad story of Saul’s lost dog Bella that you can also just plug the hole a dead animal leaves behind with another animal. So … do you like cats, Estelle? Remember, as building manager Mary has keys to everyone’s apartments, so even if you say no she’s just going to put the cat in there anyway.

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Gil Thorp, 11/29/18

Not just a half-assed coach and film critic — a half-assed league administrator!

Six Chix, 11/29/18

Another quiet Thanksgiving at the Lawton place. Um, yay, I guess?

Funky Winkerbean, 11/29/18

“Remember — it’s important not to drop it!”

“How about if I just drop you instead?”

“That is a ten pound plate, you ridiculous sack of pudding; a child could lift it. It can land on your goddamn potato nose for all I care, I am so done with your crap.”

Phantom, 11/29/18

Ha, look at the Ghost mimicking his daughter’s knockout stance. Father of the Year, right there: “FINISH HIM!!!”


— Uncle Lumpy

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Mary Worth, 11/26/18

We all know how this ends: petty annoyances add up until, in an orgy of blood, Mary murders her cat.

Followed, of course, by two weeks of chatty self-congratulation, platitudes (“People say ‘curiosity killed the cat,’ but now I know better!”) and a closing quote from Albert Camus: “As if the blind rage had washed me clean, rid me of hope; for the first time, in that night alive with signs and stars, I opened myself to the gentle indifference of the world.” And then a pool party!

Gil Thorp, 11/26/18

Hey, you guys: you may think you can bravely outfight, outwit, or at least outrun a gang of menacing street toughs, but you can’t. These guys are criminals who chase down and beat up gym-rat posers like you for fun, and they’re good at it. So just bribe them with some of that fancy camera equipment, then drown your shame in Bud Light under the bleachers on bonfire night. At least you won’t have to drink it through a straw.

Phantom, 11/26/18

OK, “Kit’s letter home” is exactly as exciting as you’d expect — apparently he got poison ivy on the canoe trip, the monks short-sheeted his bed, and there’s nothing but Jell-O for dessert!

But the long-running Phantom succession drama took a sharp turn when sister Heloise brought down arch-terrorist Eric “The Nomad” Sahara (“恐怖分子被捕” → “Terrorist Arrested,” nice touch!) in New York while Kit was weaving lanyards at Craft Hour and Dad was hiding from his wife. Oh sure, she got all weepy and homesick on the mean streets afterward, but c’mon, she crashed a jet, a signature Phantom move. Put me on Team Heloise in the upcoming battle royale for the Skull Ring.

Zits, 11/26/18

Jeremy and his mother talk about nothing but sex. The tension between them is palpable.


— Uncle Lumpy