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Pluggers, 9/4/17

Pluggers has been around for nearly 25 years, and even taking “Plugger Classics” into account, that means thousands of Pluggers suggestions have been harvested over the years. So I understand that the reserves are probably getting low, what with the ever-increasing plugger mortality rate, but still: “You’re a plugger if your younger brother is phyiscally larger than you?” I genuinely hate to see the plugger brand diluted like this.

Dennis the Menace, 9/4/17

By raising Dennis in a snug white-collar bubble and never letting him encounter anyone required to work on a holiday, his parents are going to ensure that he becomes the worst menace imaginable.

Gil Thorp, 9/4/17

I admit it: I’ve never been a professional athlete. But I have gotten a master’s degree in history, and I want to assure Heather and Jaquan that it is not the nonstop thrill ride that everyone says it is. Chances of concussion: significantly lower than the NFL. Chances of your love of learning and your social life withering away as you spend all your time with passive-aggressive introverts who are all ultimately competing for the same vanishingly small pool of academic jobs: significantly higher.

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Mary Worth, 8/21/17

Soooo, just to clarify: Dr. Ned’s sudden, intense interest in Dawn’s living situation, combined with that mid-date phone call he abruptly had to take earlier, means that, despite his earlier divorce talk, he is still 100% extremely married, right? This puts all of Jared’s passive-aggressive sheeshing in a different light, though if he’s really concerned about Dawn being taken advantage of, he should probably try just giving her the information she needs to make an informed decision about her romantic life, rather than loudly proclaiming his own sexual availability and then flailing about wildly.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/21/17

Ha ha, “we’ll be outnumbered” is a thing parents often say upon having a third kid, as a joke, but Rex’s face shows that he is deadly serious here. As well he should be! Sarah’s convenient bout of amnesia may have erased her intimate inside knowledge of how violent crime syndicates work, but she has shown herself a natural leader, effortlessly assembling teams of the downtrodden and acquiring powerful allies. Rex is right to be worried! If they presented Sarah with another foot soldier, he and June would be prisoners in their house’s basement within a week!

Gil Thorp, 8/21/17

OH WELL THE COLLEGE FRESHMAN WHO LED HIS TEAM TO A 3 AND 5 RECORD IN THE ACC LAST YEAR (OR MORE LIKELY WATCHED THEM BE MEDIOCRE FROM THE BENCH) HAS SPOKEN!!!! I GUESS JAQUAN IS AN NFL PLAYER NOW

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Gil Thorp, 8/16/17

OK, see, when it comes to my nostalgia-fueled love of returning former Gil Thorp teens who are now All Grown Up, even I have my limits. Like, Trey and Jaquan, a couple of guys who hadn’t appeared in more than a decade? I’m jazzed as hell, man! But True Standish, the star quarterback who graduated last year? Ennnnnnh. Under True’s steady hand, the ranking of the Wake Forest Demon Deacons offense apparently dropped from 114th in the NCAA Football Bowl Subdivision to 124th, but at least this summer when he crushes his receiver’s hopes and dreams, it’ll be the outcome everyone’s rooting for.

Mark Trail, 8/16/17

Oh, hey, remember when Johnny straight-up rode over a cliff on his horse? Well, surprise, that was just some fancy illusion work from Mark’s old buddy, and he’s not dead at all! Unfortunately, back two months ago (side note: Mark and this motley crew have been out on the Dakota prairie for two months??? Jesus) when Mark and Johnny plotted to use Johnny’s trick riding skills to defeat their enemies, they were still under the impression that the she-kidnapper was a hostage (despite Mark’s big talk about knowing all along she was on the side of evil), so probably Johnny is about to chivalrously ride to her rescue, with disastrous results.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/16/17

You know, some people view me with pity just because I somehow retain huge swaths of plot and character detail for Mary Worth or Gil Thorp in my head, but in my defense those plots and characters are, for the most part, fun. Take Funky Winkerbean in contrast: despite the fact that I’ve read it and been annoyed by it every day for more than a decade, I routinely forgot a lot of its byzantine world-building, because honestly why bother. So, like, for instance, up until today I would’ve sworn that Darrin’s pal/coworker Mopey Pete was another one of the strip’s seemingly endless supply of clinically depressed Northeast Ohio natives, but nope, I guess he’s a “New York and L.A. guy,” a proud bicoastal elitist who nevertheless dresses like that. Anyway, I’m sure he’ll find something that interests him in Centerville! Probably a lady, for sex.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/16/17

Sorry, gag-a-day strip writers: no so-called “punchline” you could come up with would be funnier than panel three of today’s Rex Morgan, M.D., in which we see the gears of June’s mind spinning wildly in her attempt to avoid the responsibility of raising her dying childhood friend’s toddler.