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Beetle Bailey, 4/4/25

That’s right, Zero! Article 17 of the Third Geneva Convention establishes that POWs are only required to give their name, rank, and service number to their captors; their identity so established is used for the administration of their rights under Article 71 to send and receive letters and cards, as supervised by the International Committee of the Red Cross. Your parents will be glad to know you’re alive and safe in … whatever country the men of Camp Swampy have been deployed to invade. It looks heavily forested, wherever it is. Good luck, fellas!

Gil Thorp, 4/4/25

Some say “Pops” was the heart and soul of Milford. Some say that he and “Pop” were the same person, while others say they were twin brothers, one of whom wore fancy clothes while the other wore workingman’s attire and a dumb hat. But everyone agreed that he sucked at coaching sports. He sucked so bad that Gil was credited with “turn[ing] the program around.” Gil! The coach we’ve been following for all these years, who frankly is not very good!

Hi and Lois, 4/4/25

I really love how exhausted Hi looks here. He’s reading that magazine right up until the final moment of unconsciousness, filling his mind with golf and nothing but golf. Golf will be the last thing he sees while he’s awake, so golf will be all he sees while he’s asleep! Golf, wonderful golf! Oh, also his wife is right there or whatever.

Family Circus, 4/4/25

“Let the kids watch PBS,” you said. “It’ll be educational and culturally enriching,” you said. “Definitely they won’t see a lady get stabbed to death by her jealous lover,” you said.

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Luann, 3/31/25

So last week’s “Brad and Toni are trying to have a baby and it’s making their sex life miserable” riff ended with the two of them (on TJ’s suggestion) running off to go to an amusement park rather than depress themselves with yet another grim session of intercourse. I assumed this was putting a little bow on the plot and we were going to move onto something else this week, except, no, we’re apparently going to be treated (?) to the two of them at the amusement park. Anyway, it’s kind of comforting to be regularly reading this strip again after more than a decade and learn that it’s still doing its thing (its thing is coming up with extremely off-putting euphemisms for sex like “doing ‘maybe baby’”).

Dick Tracy, 3/31/25

Gotta admit I don’t fully get what the deal is in the non-nephew part of this Dick Tracy storyline, but our heroes have connected the mysterious corpse with someone named “Mr. Piltdown” and have roped his poor dentist into trying to positively ID him. That name is probably most famous from “Piltdown Man,” a hoax fossil that was supposed to be a “missing link” between humans and apes but was actually just a fake someone made by combining a human skull with an orangutan jaw and teeth, so I certainly hope this signals that something profoundly weird is about to be revealed by this post-mortem dental exam.

Gil Thorp, 3/31/25

Big news, everyone! Marty’s drinking binge has run its course and now he’s back at his AA meeting, along with a fellow alcoholic named “Clam.” Short for Clambake? A guy can dream!!!! (About a long sob story about how Clambake got caught lying about being in the Negro Leagues and it sent him into a downward spiral of alcohol abuse but then Marty Moon interrupts him by saying “Hey everybody, I’m Marty Moon, from the radio!” and they all applaud.)

Alice, 3/31/25

I know that a classic comics thing is having someone ask a weirdly specific question so that another person can answer it with a punchline, but Disconnection Syndrome is actually a fairly serious neurological disorder. Maybe you should find out why exactly your niece is asking about this rather than just cracking wise, Alice!

The Lockhorns, 3/31/25

So why are you going to someplace called “Coverage Provider Outlet,” guys? That sounds boring as shit!

Blondie, 3/31/25

“Ha ha, but enough about my depressing personal life and my dead marriage! I want to buy all your cupcakes and then throw them in the garbage so my husband can’t have them.”

Hagar the Horrible, 3/31/25

Hey man, did you know you can just put straight-up naked asses in the comics now? God is dead, do what you will, etc.

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Gil Thorp, 3/26/25

A thing about getting old that is absolutely a cliche but also 100% true AND also something that you can’t really understand until you experience it is that time really does feel like it goes by faster. It seemed to me that Luke went from Gil’s rival to his faithful retainer in the blink of an eye, but it’s been two and a half years since he came on the scene, so maybe these arcs really have run their course. Maybe it makes sense that now he’s just a schlubby guy in a polo shirt and khakis saying stuff like “You know what I learned from Coach Thorp? That it’s cool to lose, actually,” and it’s not setting up a sick burn where he says “because Coach Thorp is a loser!!!!!” Anyway, at least we have Coach Gerard‘s endless enmity! At least we have that!

Herb and Jamaal, 3/26/25

Politicians, generals, warlords! Know that if you’re planning some new armed conflict, anywhere on earth, the Herb and Jamaal published on March 26, 2025, will apply, thanks to its carefully crafted ambiguity. Perhaps just seeing this strip will make you think twice about unleashing the horrors of war, knowing such a cutting commentary was prepared for you, in advance!

Mary Worth, 3/26/25

OK, yes, fine, here’s Wilbur delivering a spit take so vigorous it shakes his combover out of place, prompted by the idea that he might be on the verge of doing sex to a lady in such a way that she would derive pleasure from it. I know I should be chortling with glee, but I’m not feeling it, OK? Not the way I was when I thought Wilbur had died. I guess I’m really more a thanatos guy than an eros guy, when it comes to Wilbur.

Pickles, 3/26/25

I definitely haven’t reached the “bothering to learn the characters’ names” stage with Pickles — and, Lord willing, I may never get there — but I am taking a shine to Grandson Pickles, just based on this strip. I like how he’s not letting his grandmother shake him off from this line of inquiry. What if someone died, Grandma? What if you died, right here in the living room? Would they still call it that? Because you wouldn’t be living in it anymore, if you follow me.