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Archive: Gil Thorp

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From hell’s heart, I stab at thee

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Gil Thorp, 4/27/24

I’m not sure what the current consensus on how to win over the teenage kids of the divorced dad you’re currently fucking, but bribing them with video games and comics strikes me as pretty good. Kind of dubious that Dick Tracy should be the go-to comic here, but it seems to have worked, so I guess she did her research.

Mary Worth, 4/27/24

Can you imagine getting reduced to a bloody smear on the asphalt by an SUV while you’re screaming obscenities at Wilbur Weston? Can you imagine that the last thing you think or feel is a boundless, seething contempt for this man, a contempt that occupies you so completely that you don’t even notice the car vrrooming towards you? I can. Frankly this has now rocketed to the very top of the list of ways I want to go out.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/27/24

Close, Snuffy! Given the rustic setting, the real way to bamboozle those effette urban dwellers is to market this junk pile as outsider art.

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Musical weekend

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Beetle Bailey, 4/6/24

I’m sorry, Sarge doesn’t know any “raunchy” songs. He may be a brute who spends his days preparing men for the horrors of war by delivering arbitrary violence upon them, but in many ways he seems quite naive. He definitely doesn’t know what sex is, for instance.

Mary Worth, 4/6/24

Look, man, we all enjoyed Wilbur’s total karaoke emotional meltdown from last April and his public karaoke-off with his ex the previous November, but I feel like this is going to the well one too many times. I’m over it! I’m going to try to get over how positively delighted Mary looks at the thought of Wilbur “pulling in” hapless “ladies” for unsatisfying sex and even less satisfying relationship behavior, but that’s going to take some time.

Gil Thorp, 4/6/24

As someone who relies on the syndicated newspaper strip Gil Thorp to discover what the teens are into, I’m excited to learn that what they’re into is beloved Gen X indie rocker Aimee Mann, and what they want to hear from her is “Red Vines,” the single from her 2000 album Bachelor No. 2. Naturally, being a 49-year-old man who thought of himself as vaguely hip 24 years ago, I find this news satisfying and will be doing no further research on the subject of teen musical tastes in the year 2024.

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Soapy Thursday

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Gil Thorp, 3/28/24

The Milford Mudlarks: the team whose players trust one another so much that they just keep passing the ball back and forth, indefinitely. Is this their key to victory? Well, they never shoot, so they never score, so no, it isn’t. But the trust! Think about the trust!

Judge Parker, 3/28/24

I’ve been commenting on Judge Parker’s April for nearly two decades, and I guess thanks to the magic of comic book time she’s probably a Millennial at this point, right? As evidenced by her steadfast refusal to answer her phone? We can tell she’s not a Zoomer because she’s at least contemplating listening to any potential voicemail the caller might leave. Anyway, her daughter, a representative of Generation … Alpha? I guess this is what we’re calling them? As a placeholder, maybe? … demonstrates that each generation reacts against the excesses of their parents. When she’s old enough to have her own phone, she’s going to answer it, by God.

Mary Worth, 3/28/24

Dawn is — and I mean this in the kindest possible way — a lot. So I can’t even imagine what her mother, who apparently cut her out of her life for years, is going to think when she shows up and says “Good news, mom! I dropped out of college so I can spend the next year focusing on nothing but the mother-daughter time I crave!” I mean, I can imagine what she’s going to think, actually, which is why I remain pretty excited about this storyline.