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Mark Trail, 8/11/23

OK, so we’re retconning Mark and his Dad Happy into the February Norfolk Southern derailment in East Palestine Ohio, taking substantial liberties with the facts as we go. Mark provoked Ohio Senator Smalls (not N&S CEO Alan H. Shaw) with a couple inflammatory “isn’t it true” type questions, even implying that the derailment was intentional. Smalls escalated by accusing Mark of inciting a riot and ordered the cops to arrest him. Mark and Happy beat up a couple of the cops and are now on the lam courtesy of Rex Scorpius, his model/race driver/activist/Mom Sally, and (his? their?) sweet 1976–1981 vintage Pontiac Firebird. A little bridge-jumping, a few campfire stories, a week of Varroa mite bee colony collapse exposition, and here we are.

So assault and battery with an enhancement for assaulting a police officer for Mark and Happy, accessory after the fact for Rex and Sally, assorted traffic violations for Rex, then back to the mites. Sure hope they don’t impound the Firebird. The cops, I mean, not the mites. They’re bad, but they’re not that bad!

9 Chickweed Lane, 8/11/23

I was educated in Catholic schools before heading off to Georgetown. So I’m familiar with the mystique surrounding nuns that 9 Chickweed Lane exploited so successfully before beginning its long decline. Distant, enigmatic, and with authority drawn from God Himself, YOU DO NOT MESS WITH THE NUNS and we children all knew it.

Alas, Sister Gwen here has messed with Top Nun Sister Steven, nicknamed “Sister Caligula” by young Amos and Edda. We see Gwen “confessing” her “sin” by griping that the old bat made her feel bad. The priest “absolves” her by minimizing her offence and complaining that the old bat made him feel bad, too. Apparently nobody has any idea how this sacrament works, and they’ll all wind up in Hell, by mistake.

Gil Thorp, 8/11/23

Relationship Week continues with a little impromptu marriage counselling from Girls’ Softball Coach Cami Ochoa. Say, Gil’s getting around a lot these days, isn’t he? Bartender Bethany, mysterious airplane companions, Cami here. And we’re supposed to be worried about Mimi? But I bet Gil’s voice rose two octaves on “…FRIENDS?” watching Ericka “correct” Mimi’s “stance.”

The Wizard of Id, 8/11/23

Even without seeing his face you know that’s Bung.

You haven’t yet contributed to the Comics Curmudgeon? Three Hail Marys. Go your way and sin no more.

—Uncle Lumpy

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Mother Goose and Grimm, 8/10/23

The Marvin crossover we never hoped we’d see.

Gil Thorp, 8/10/23

Meanwhile it’s Relationship Week over at Gil Thorp, establishing or recapping its myriad cross‑cultural, ‑gender, ‑institutional, and other conflicts in advance of the fall season. Here, Sluggin’ Girls’ Softball right fielder Inma Rimsha and disgraced Valley Tech import hurler Kwan Tak “The Korean Nightmare” share a tender moment. Protip, Inma: if you want to win Kwan’s heart, bring a sack of Haitai Honey Butter Chips along to your next picnic. Although signs suggest his heart is as far as you’re gonna get.

Daddy Daze, 8/10/23

Gah, is there a more relentlessly wretched comics character than Paul Daze’s Goth Pal Chuck Chuck? Yes! Imagine his children, cruller-stuffed and sugar-high, rolling around their dank rooms writing abuse memoirs and plotting his murder.

Pearls Before Swine, 8/10/23

Chuck Chuck has one thing right, though: the donuts always find a way in.

Make a generous contribution to the Comics Curmudgeon today—donut hesitate!

—Uncle Lumpy

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Dustin, 8/8/23

Pardon me, Dustin, but didn’t this cute unattached (no ring, anyway) vaguely bohemian young redhead just express an interest in you? And the best you can muster is some half-assed wisecrack? Maybe you’re daydreaming about all those girls who’re gonna shoot you down at the fern bar tonight? Up your game, buddy, or at least pay attention.

Six Chix, 8/8/23

Did she just put her nose inside that pumpkin’s nose? Only the pumpkin knows for sure, but signs point to “Yes.”

Candorville, 8/8/23

Smoothest line you’re gonna get from a guy in a Kirk shirt.

Gil Thorp, 8/8/23

The question “Where is Milford? (more precisely, “Which Milford?” among the many) has long puzzled the sages. Opinion seemed settled on western Ohio, but today’s “hoagie” makes a strong case for eastern Pennsylvania.

For the modest price of a hoagie, po’ boy, grinder, sub, or Italian sandwich, you could make a generous contribution to the Comics Curmudgeon! Do it today—before lunch!

—Uncle Lumpy