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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith and Blondie, 2/14/23

One strip you could write off, but two? That’s a trend. Folks, if you didn’t get your beloved a slab of heart-shaped meat for Valentine’s Day this year, you need to think about what you did wrong and get ahead of the game in planning a meat-tastic 2/14/24. (Note: please only use a cut of meat shaped like a cartoon heart, not an actual animal or human heart, as that would be disgusting.)

Gil Thorp, 2/14/23

Speaking of romance, we last saw the Thorps holding onto their marriage for dear life despite obstacles like Mimi’s flirtatious golf coach. This Valentine’s Day, they’re going to revive their relationship the only way they know how: by trying to have sex as airliners come screaming in for a landing directly above them every four to nine minutes.

Beetle Bailey, 2/14/23

Ha ha, yes, it’s funny that Otto doesn’t want to smell Beetle’s socks, but I do want to point that there are generally only two circumstances where we have dogs try to figure out where people are, and those are “on the run from the law” and “probably dead.”

Mary Worth, 2/14/23

“I’m shopping! Just like you! Yep, exchanging money for goods and services sure is the name of the game, here in America!”

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Gil Thorp, 2/10/23

Huh, so I guess while Coach Martinez reigns supreme in football, in basketball he must answer to “Coach Kim,” who I assume his delivering his line here with gutting, icy disdain. The coaching hierarchy remains mysterious! Not exactly sure how Luke’s Thorbsession has led to today’s disastrous Valley Tech performance, though. Maybe the team had set aside one practice to master “not throwing the ball to the other team” but Luke never showed up because he was busy powerflexing in the mirror or something.

Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 2/10/23

Look, man, I don’t claim to know everything about the gender politics of Hootin’ Holler, but I feel like I’ve spent more time thinking about the worldbuilding of this strip generally than just about anyone else, and I’m confident in saying that the menfolk do not let their wives tag along on fishing trips. The whole point of the fishing trip is to create segregated homosocial spaces, and also avoid being nagged about not having a job. I refute this!

Pluggers, 2/10/23

I stared at this a long time wondering if pluggers think a turtleneck is like a backwards shirt, but I think the joke is just that pluggers’ necks are bigger now than they were 40+ years ago — or, in the case of the plugger on display here, that they now simply have no neck at all.

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Gil Thorp, 2/8/23

Oh, hey, remember Emmett Tays, the former Milford football player who presented Gil with his major award and told a fun story about how he and Gil bonded over their abusive parents? Well, he’s received his compensation for leading the Gil-adulation, in the form of a assistant coaching job that pays, on the orders of Dr. Pearl, half of what our dearly departed Coach Kaz was getting, which definitely won’t eventually give rise to a discrimination lawsuit of any kind.

Judge Parker, 2/8/23

Look, I don’t participate in the pill-popping lifestyle so I’m unfamiliar with its folkways, but I have to think it doesn’t actually involve just shaking a prescription bottle in the general direction of your mouth and hoping the tiny, delicious pills end up in there, or at least within tongue range. Even Tommy from Mary Worth is smart enough to know that you put the pills in your hand first, and Tommy is not smart at all.

Dennis the Menace, 2/8/23

Dennis, unaware of the many baroque ways in which the human body can beging to malfunction as it ages, is about to learn that there will come a time when he won’t be able to poop, even if he wants to. Truly, the menace has become the menaced today.