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Gil Thorp, 11/10/08

The Sad Story Of Soft-Hearted Jeff And Matt The Hat reached its natural climax last week; but if we learned anything from the Sad Story Of Elmer The Unwitting Illegal Immigrant, it’s that Gil Thorp cares nothing for your fancy literary theories as to what constitutes a satisfying narrative arc. No, we’re instead going to be subjected to the meandering post-big-reveal goings-on around Milford High, in which our students and coaches will try and mostly fail to grapple with the new reality that’s been unveiled. It’s just like real life, but with worse hair and more mutant disembodied flipper-hands.

Anyway, the ’Czak is being hailed school-wide as a hero, as beefy morons who risk their lives for the entertainment of others always are, which means that his heart-healthy behatted friend will take the fall. The sad thing is that the arbiter of Milford ethics is the Milford Trumpet, a publication that can’t do better for signage than a piece of paper taped to a doorway. It’s probably not surprising that Matt’s journalistic overlords are upset for his participation in this deception, but I feel compelled to point out that they didn’t see any problem with him writing a glowing piece about his best friend.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 11/10/08

As is all too typical for me, I totally lost interest in the current Rex Morgan plotline once it got “exciting.” To wrap up briefly: Tweaks’s boat capsized, Rex leapt into the water to save him, and Lenore and Tweaks made up in the ambulance, because it turns out that he didn’t actually cheat on her with some young secretary — he just told people that he did, which is totally OK. This strip in noteworthy, though, because in panel two Rex, speaking as Lenore’s doctor, helpfully points out that she’s going to die soon.

Spider-Man, 11/10/08

Hey, everybody, remember Saturday, when Spidey had mysteriously burst free from Big Time’s nutty handcuffs? Well, it turned out that, uh, didn’t happen. I’m OK with this blatant discontinuity, though, because it provides an opportunity for more Spider-Boneheadery, as our hero uses an oncoming train to burst his bonds, with his total dismemberment being only a minor side effect. My heart goes out to those commuters whose trip home will be delayed.

Gasoline Alley, 11/10/08

Also, remember Saturday when Gasoline Alley promised us a wacky Bonnie and Clyde-esque flight from the law across America? Well, it turns out that Slim will just be talking about his big ass instead, with visual aids.

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Gil Thorp, 11/7/08

At long last, the how of Matt the Hat and Jeff the ’Czak’s crackpot Jeff-killing scheme has been revealed, and it actually makes a shred more sense than one might have expected from this strip. Now all we’re missing is the why, though this being Gil Thorp we’re obviously never going to get it. If Jeff didn’t know that his heart was a ticking time bomb of death before he went to the doctor, then this is just the most pointlessly “wacky” high school dude prank in recorded history. And if he did know, then how did he know? Did he spend the entire summer eating mayonnaise out of the jar with a spoon and just sort of draw the obvious conclusion? Or did he literally feel his heart begin to die inside his chest one day? The latter possibility would at least explain why he’s so damn melancholy.

Dick Tracy, 11/7/08

There’s been an insanely long and interminable buildup in Dick Tracy as we were introduced to these two titanic metal men on a collision course, but at last they’ve met and we get to see what we’ve been waiting for all this time: robots insulting each other like fifth graders, using txt spk. Whee!

Apartment 3-G, 11/7/08

“My heart is racing with anticipation”? Tommie, with that sort of wooden, sub-par thought ballooning, it’s no wonder that you never get any panel time, and that your boyfriend and the other guy who was trying to be your boyfriend are secretly having a sex affair.

Psst! There is a great deal of invigorating talk about the recent election right over here.

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Gil Thorp, 11/1/08

Ha ha, at last the big fall Gil Thorp plot twist has been REVEALED, and it’s every bit as insane and asinine as “Elmer gets to stay in America as a bilingual publicist, even though that doesn’t match up with his visa and he doesn’t speak Spanish” and “Tyler bludgeoned himself.” You see, for the first time ever in Gil Thorp history, the fact that a panel was drawn with word balloons coming out of a random building was a deliberate attempt to create ambiguity, rather than a ploy to avoid drawing human hands and/or hairstyles. In fact, Matt the Hat’s ticker is perfectly healthy, whereas the ‘Czak truly does love gettin’ naked with other dudes more than life itself. And now that the doctor has arrived, we’re all going to learn a valuable lesson about why medical professionals should ideally write things down. As punishment, Matt will be forced to have Jeff’s heart attack for him.

In panel three, Matt reveals that after his time in this two-bit comic is over, he’ll be moving on to bigger and better things, portraying Will Eisner’s The Spirit.

Mary Worth, 11/1/08

I’m hoping we get beyond the dull “Frank is an overbearing stage parent” story here and go right on into “Frank is a paranoid schizophrenic.” “The judges are always watching! They have a network of spy satellites and bugs, and can see out of any sign painted red! They put tracking devices in fillings, which why we never go to the dentist! If I hadn’t covered the house with tinfoil, we’d never have a moment’s peace!”

And let’s get a quick precis of Sunday’s comics, via the opening throwaway panels!

Panels from Curtis, 11/2/08

Oh, Curtis, are you really stooping so low as to borrow narrative techniques from Herb and Jamaal? Still, I have to admit that we’re certainly being set up for excitement here. Something of value, you say? But what could it be? I am on tenterhooks!

(True fact: it turned out to be a toilet.)

Panels from Judge Parker, 11/2/08

“The angle at which the body crumpled, the blood splatter pattern, the powder burns — all aesthetic abominations! Usually murder scenes are things of beauty, or at least have something to keep you engaged. This … this was just a big disappointment.”