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Mary Worth, 7/7/20

Oh wow, it turns out that Madi might have been acting out because she lost her mother (some indeterminate time ago) and her grandmother (recently, to whom she was close), and then her father dropped her off at a total stranger’s house before immediately peacing out to Venezuela, WHO COULD’VE POSSIBLY PREDICTED. Fortunately her predilection to feel warmly towards old ladies will result in her imprinting on Mary like a baby duck!

Mark Trail, 7/7/20

“Settle down, Rusty — Cartwright may be your favorite action hero, but he’s just a person! Someday the technology will exist to completely replace human actors with some combination of CGI and mechanical humanoids, so we’ll be able to enjoy seeing Al Pacino and Joe Pesci play gangsters long after they’re dead. But until then, Cartwright’s just another dumb bag of meat, like you or me.”

Gil Thorp, 7/7/20

Hey, remember the beardo literature teacher who spotted Mike “The Mayor”‘s harmless butter knife and had him expelled from school, which resulted in Mike losing his athletic scholarship and probably seriously derailed his life? Well, he dropped a couple coolers of off-brand soda off at the feel-good snobs vs. slobs game, so, uh, probably they’re even now, right?

Funky Winkerbean, 7/7/20

ALERT ALERT LISA’S STORY PRODUCTION HAS NOW BEGUN THEY’RE REALLY DOING THIS THEY’RE REALLY SPENDING THE MONEY THIS IS NOT A DRILL REPEAT NOT A DRILL THREAT LEVEL ALPHA

Crock, 7/7/20

Oh, you ladies think you’re so cool because you got an all-female Ghostbusters reboot, huh? Well, wait till you see my reboot of Jane Campion’s The Piano … but with guys.

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Gil Thorp, 6/30/20

I have to admit, I honestly appreciate that Gil Thorp has refused to pander the usual narrative conventions of the slobs vs. snobs sports battle and has instead delivered the actual inevitable outcome, which is that the snobs would win handily, but also there’d be no hard feelings all around. But if it the effort manages to get at least one Mudlark and one non-Mudlark laid, won’t it all have been worth it?

Shoe, 6/30/20

Man, Shoe really is just all about “OK, we’re doing pandemic jokes now, it’s what’s going on in our readers contemporary lives and we’re gonna talk about it!”, isn’t it? Too bad that by alluding to our current epidemiological situation the strip used up all the up-to-date references it had available, with none left over when it came time to think up a musical act to use in this joke.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/30/20

Welp, June has grown tired of Rex’s failed attempts to make the story of how they met interesting, so she’s seized control, and on day one, Rex has horribly injured himself! I am immediately riveted. Go on, June! Tell us more! Spare no (literally) bloody detail!

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Gil Thorp, 6/27/20

So, uh, the slobs vs. snobs battle between Milford and the alternative school is ending actually fairly realistically, with the snobs kicking the crap out of the slobs, to the extent that one of the Milford kids came in to pitch for the other team and is offering advice to try to staunch the bleeding. This is pretty sad, actually, but I’m hoping the bad kids are just lulling the Mudlarks into a sense of complacency, so that their guard will be down when the stabbing starts

Dick Tracy, 6/27/20

Ugh, you guys, Shaky sucks as a villain so bad, he’s so low-stakes and his personality is dumb as well, like the only thing that’s interesting about him is that he’s a biological sex toy and they haven’t even talked about that except that one time. His current grift involves stealing belt buckles for some reason and, when confronted with his crime, he both denies it and hurls the belt buckle in question at the cops, and somehow he managed to make even that boring.

Marvin, 6/27/20

Folks, we all know Marvin is a comic strip about people going to the bathroom and dogs going to the bathroom. But did you know it’s also about birds going to the bathroom? Truly, the lesson here is that no matter how secure you feel in your position, you should never stop innovating, creatively.