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Spider-Man, 4/30/19

I know I said I wasn’t going to get into Rerun Newspaper Spider-Man until it dipped a little further into the vaults than five years ago, but I guess I should grudgingly acknowledge that the particular rerun storyline they chose to launch the reruns involves Mysterio as a villain, who will also be the villain in this summer’s upcoming Spider-Man: Far From Home, which means that this zombified strip is doing a significantly better job of adding the infinitesimal amount of buzz of which it’s capable into the cultural ether to boost the next entry in the most lucrative series of films in cinematic history than it did when it was still a going concern.

Anyway, not that I expect to revisit this, but the outcome of this newspaper storyline was that this Mysterio wasn’t the real Mysterio, despite the fact that as far as I’m concerned anyone who puts on this ludicrously dumb costume with its fishbowl helmet and calls themselves Mysterio deserves to be thought of as a real Mysterio, at least. I would find it profoundly amusing and satisfying if this were also the shocking twist at the end of Spider-Man: Far From Home, a film where presumably 75% of those seeing it will have only the vaguest of familiarity with the character. The main result would be a collective “Huh?” from most of the audience, followed by some furious rewriting of the infinite “Who Is Mysterio, The Villain Of Spider-Man: Far From Home?” explainer articles churned out by every publication from Politico to Bon Appétit as they desperately seek out that sweet, sweet Marvel Cinematic Universe SEO traffic.

Mark Trail, 4/30/19

Mark has been scowling aggressively at JJ pretty much from the moment he met him, and he’s gotten so deep into it that he seems to have forgotten his real primary non-punching role, which is to interject nature facts at vaguely appropriate times. Looks like Doc has to do his work for him! And he’s not doing a great job! Javelinas aren’t pigs, but they’re part of the suborder Suina, which means they’re more closely related to pigs than any animal that isn’t a pig. You’re lucky you’re so far out in the desert that nobody can look this up on their phone, Doc!

Dennis the Menace, 4/30/19

I’m not up on modern methods of child discipline, but usually when a kid’s in “time out” or whatever they call it these days, do his parents let his friends just wander in and talk with him? I mean, maybe the other kids’ parents want them to see him, like as a cautionary example or something.

Hagar the Horrible, 4/30/19

Hmm … Lucky Eddie wants to open a fish store because he’s … “passionate” … about … fish?

Hagar the Horrible, 7/17/18 and 8/26/17

Noooooooooooooo

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Pajama Diaries, 4/26/19

I’ve got a solid five months of reading the Pajama Diaries under my belt, and I feel comfortable in saying that I pretty much know what its lane is, and that lane is “anxiety-ridden parents of teens try to enjoy life but can’t, really, because of anxiety.” Their lane is not “middle aged suburban lowkey kinksters.” That lane is occupied by Arlo and Janis. Sorry, Pajama Diaries, I’m going to have to request that you stay in your lane.

(Also, the strip’s Wikipedia page claims that it takes place in Ohio, so I’m going to assume that “safety word” is a regional variation for “safe word,” like how my cousins in Columbus thought “sneakers” was the dumbest word they ever heard but said “tennies” like it was totally normal.)

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/26/19

I like Sarah’s pensive look in the first panel here. She seems to be thinking, “Wait, I know I have amnesia, but I have this feeling that I’m the one who’s supposed to be getting free stuff from some person of inexplicable means. This doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right at all.”

Hagar the Horrible, 4/26/19

Ha ha, it’s funny because Lucky Eddie’s uncle was injured, leaving hin unable to continue the violent means by which he gained sustenance in his medieval environment. Probably he’s going to die in poverty, and soon!

Beetle Bailey, 4/26/19

Ha ha, it’s funny because Beetle got mauled by a bunch of raccoons! There’s a good chance he has rabies now?

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Hagar the Horrible, 4/20/19

This is one of a continuing series of strips that tries to situate our Viking heroes in the timeline of the Norse conversion to Christianity. Today, we learn that Hagar has sort of bought into the new religion, but mostly understands it on a fairly superficial level, which can be easily manipulated.

Pluggers, 4/20/19

Pluggers … aren’t English? That’s more or less what I’m getting from this panel, and, look, if there’s one thing I knew about pluggers before I even looked it, it was that pluggers aren’t English.