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Gil Thorp, 3/26/15

Shockingly, the kid who thinks “Max Bacon™” is a cool nickname and who’s been buying what may or may not be fake Adderall has turned out to be not particularly smart.

Heathcliff, 3/26/15

If you’re looking to make the most of your seafood dollar, buying fish from a pet store is indeed about the least efficient way to go about it.

Hi and Lois, 3/26/15

Fortunately for Ditto, Meaties®, the new all-meat cereal from General Mills, is compatible with gluten-free and low-carb diets while still delivering the delicious meaty taste kids crave.

Pluggers, 3/26/15

Price inflation is a natural feature of nearly all economic systems, and in most cases is not a sign of any sort of macroeconomic distress, but pluggers have lived long enough to find it disorienting.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 3/26/15

AT LAST, WE’VE GOTTEN TO THE PART OF THIS STORYLINE WHERE THIS BRUTAL MOB ENFORCER MAKES AN UNREASONABLY DEMAND AND SOME POOR SCHMO BEGS FOR HIS LIFE

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Mary Worth, 3/17/15

NEW STORYLINE IN MARY WORTH, EVERYBODY! Haha, look at how Mary is prying into this new Charterstone tenant’s life before he’s even gotten his meager possessions off his handcart. “Most people need a moving van or at least a U-Haul!” she says. “Why don’t you? Are you poor? On the run from the law? Have your references been adequately vetted? Will your rent checks clear? Should I call the sheriff and have your boxes dumped out onto the curb now, to save time?” Anyway, I look forward to Adam cracking under the pressure and spilling his guts about his emotional baggage over the next six to eight weeks. What can he never let go of? Dead wife? Estranged son? Or maybe it’s a real physical object, like a cursed goblet or something. That’d be pretty sweet.

Heathcliff, 3/17/15

Wow, nice job, Heathcliff: on St. Patrick’s day, you’re wearing a blue bowler cap, the dominant color on the flag of Ireland’s British oppressors, and deliberately mocking the beloved cabbage component of corned beef and cabbage by replacing it with literal, actual garbage. I never thought I’d see such blatant anti-Hibernianism in the daily newspaper.

Apartment 3-G, 3/17/15

Oh my, Lu Ann has removed her pink blazer so that she’s now clad only in her turtleneck! Is she trying to seduce Martin? She’s only got six more layers left to go!

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Mary Worth, 3/11/15

The Hanna-Sean-Amy-Gordon storyline (haha, just kidding, Gordon was not actually involved in any meaningful way) is finally over, though we can’t say for sure until someone digs it up and puts a stake through its sinister heart. But until then, let’s enjoy the tale of the first time Mary and Jeff met! This might be an enjoyable story to see in flashback, so naturally we’re watching the two of them exposition it to each other over fish- and vegetable-disks at the Bum Boat. I’m a big fan of Mary’s use of the phrase “former bigwig” here. “Obviously I could tell you were a nobody, Jeff, but how was I supposed to know that you used to be somebody? I didn’t see a tag, and you weren’t dressed the part, and you certainly don’t exude confidence or competence of any sort!”

Heathcliff, 3/11/15

The less said about this cartoon, which seems like one of the saddest attempts at combining the syndicated comics character Heathcliff with vaguely whimsical pop-cultural tropes to date, the better, but it does lead me to one of my current favorite obsessions, namely looking up dumb URLs to see if they’re available to purchase. Up until fairly recently, URLs either ended with a two-letter country code, like .ca or .uk, or a fairly limited set of generic codes, like .com, .org, or .gov. Then a few years back some new, much dumber top-level endings were introduced, like .biz and .info, and lately there’s just been a flood of truly moronic ones, one of which is .ninja. This is meant to appeal to serious scholars of the semi-legendary shinobi of Japan’s turbulent Sengoku period the sort of dips who think changing their job title from “web marketing assistant” to “social media ninja” makes them sound cool, but it’s worth noting that the domain name bait.ninja is available for only $14.99 a year, and while I’m not going to buy it, if somebody else wanted to and have it just redirect to this post, I certainly wouldn’t object. Also, and I’m just putting this out there, when you look to see if a domain name is available you get auto-generated suggestions of similar domains you might be interested in, and this is what I got when I checked on bait.ninja:

Spider-Man, 3/11/15

Apparently most of the incidents in this plot had been set up by Peter and Mary Jane to trick Mysterio? Who they didn’t even really know was involved for a lot of it, I don’t think? Nice try at tricking us into thinking these people are smart or capable of forethought, Newspaper Spider-Man.