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Mary Worth, 11/1/14

Oh snap, looks like Hanna’s going to be convinced to move into an old folks’ home not because it’s “what’s best for her” or anything, but because it’ll be the fastest way to get her hands on this hot widowed hunk of vest-clad man meat. Just to add to his cred, Sean is still capable of operating a car, so it looks like Hanna won’t have to take the shuttle with all the other losers after all! It would be a truly delicious act of revenge if Hanna’s move to an assisted living facility not only lands her a man, but denies her daughter the free babysitting services she needs to do the same.

Heathcliff, 11/1/14

Sure, lots of aggressively whimsical cartoon cats might make a point of dressing up like Saturn every Saturday, but only Heathcliff would build a huge Saturn-suit, with most of its bulk above his head, in order to really do justice to our solar system’s second largest planet. This is the kind of commitment to a corny shtick that has truly made Heathcliff America’s second-most-beloved feline in the daily comics.

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Herb and Jamaal, 10/31/14

It’s true: feelings can be tricky! Like, for instance, you may feel close enough with your best friend to just ask him about his current emotional state with a new love interest: a pretty intimate question! And yet even so, you might be embarrassed to admit that you like to weave elaborate water-metaphors about feelings, and so instead of sharing them with him and risking embarrassment, you just lean on the counter and smile to yourself, imagining those emotional waves crashing over your head. Don’t tell him what you’re thinking. He can never know.

Blondie, 10/31/14

I guess what bothers me about this is that Dagwood thinks he needs to add a jack o’ lantern to this costume to make it Halloweeny. It’s a costume. Costumes are inherently Halloweeny. Dressing in costume is pretty much what Halloween is about these days. You don’t need to gussy it up with Halloween iconography. Just dress up as a sexy slice of pizza and get on with it, already.

Heathcliff, 10/31/14

GOD DAMN IT

MUMMIES DON’T EAT BRAINS

YOU’RE THINKING OF ZOMBIES

YES THEY’RE BOTH REANIMATED CORPSES BUT THEIR MYTHOLOGY AND CULTURAL HISTORIES ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

MUMMIES PUT CURSES ON YOU AND … UH … SHAMBLE TOWARDS YOU MENACINGLY

AND I THINK THAT’S IT?

ALSO THEIR ROTTING FLESH IS COVERED WITH BANDAGES

DEFINITELY NOT THE SAME AS ZOMBIES, IS MY POINT

GET IT TOGETHER, HEATHCLIFF

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Heathcliff, 10/27/14

After a nightmarish curse left the town’s inhabitants irrevocably transformed, the damned souls are taking hesitant steps towards recognizing one another and reclaiming some part of their lost humanity.

Funky Winkerbean, 10/27/14

Just another day in the teachers’ lounge, laughing it up about the endless parade of genetic defectives that make up Westview’s children!

Crankshaft, 10/27/14

Although 10 years earlier kids in the nearby town of Centerville went on a violent, terrifying rampage when Crankshaft’s family ran out of candy, so maybe Les and his cronies are right to view the local youth with mingled contempt and disgust.

Spider-Man, 10/27/14

Despite his best efforts, Spider-Man will in fact be rescued from his primary antagonist by his secondary antagonist.

Apartment 3-G, 10/27/14

NO MARGO YOU JUST STARTED TALKING OUT LOUD THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU SAID YOU’RE SAYING YOU WANT TO DO