Post Content

Click the banner to contribute to the Comics Curmudgeon. Details here.

Hey, it’s the Comics Curmudgeon Fall 2013 Fundraiser! Donate a few bucks, and increase global net happiness — yours, too!

Heathcliff, 10/14/13, 10/15/13

What goes on by night in Heathcliff’s neighborhood just got a lot more disturbing. Heathcliff has quintupled his garbage consumption in just a few short months, and now requires armored strikes by Garbage Ape just to keep him in slop. I fear he is building his strength for an apocalyptic conflict with Marmaduke for absolute domination of the comics page, and I’m not sure which one to back. In this business, you don’t want to be wrong about something like that.

One Big Happy, 10/14/13, 10/15/13

Meanwhile, Ruthie’s got a raven to sleep in her princess doll bed, hide in her closet, and share her breakfast. The raven tells her secrets. Terrible, terrible secrets that all ravens know but little girls must not.

Stupid raven, leave her alone — she’s just a little girl! I don’t care how much you like Trix!

Gil Thorp, 10/14/13

First I wrote, “Gil Thorp is getting a little annoying”, but the sentence just laughed at me so I put these other words around it. John Pascoe is a skilled football player who can talk but doesn’t. Nobody else can seem to shut up about this. Including, now, me. Crap.

— Uncle Lumpy

Post Content

Slylock Fox, 10/7/13

Oh, man, this is just another example of the shameful criminality within the Rat family, in which even their charming mating rituals are indelibly tied up with theft. It’s too depressing to think about, so let’s all just enjoy Max Mouse on his skateboard, shall we? Wheee! That sure is a radical and extreme way to get to a crime scene, Max!

Apartment 3-G, 10/7/13

This strip made me laugh longer and harder than anything that appeared in the comics all last week. Tommie, one of the ostensible main characters in this strip, hasn’t appeared since May, but don’t worry, she called in a couple weeks ago to let us know that she’s OK, it’s just that nobody told us because Tommie is mind-numbingly dull. Also, don’t forget that Tommie is taking her exotic, exciting, and now-extended Italian vacation with her mom, which, much love to my mom and all other moms out there, but it’s kind of par for the Tommie course, you know? Or maybe I’m being too judgmental. Maybe Tommie and her mom have found hot matching age-appropriate (or even age-inappropriate) Italian men to seduce and have extended their stay so that they can better enjoy their cross-generational Italian sex idyll. (Just kidding, that would never happen, because Tommie is the boringest person alive.)

Heathcliff, 10/7/13

“He also refuses to use the flush toilet, despite the fact that he’s obviously fully capable of doing so. I guess he really wants us to keep having to deal with disposing of his poop, because, as noted, Heathcliff is kind of an asshole.”

Post Content

Heathcliff, 10/3/13

Of the 24 blackbirds that had been captured, stunned, and laid atop a disc of pizza dough just before it was shoved into an unbearable hot oven, 23 somehow survived the hellish inferno and emerged with enough strength to fly off when Heathcliff opened the box. They were horribly burned and forever traumatized, to be sure, but at least they had avoided the grisly fate awaiting blackbird number 24. Perhaps it had mercifully succumbed during the baking process; but perhaps it was still conscious, covered in cheese and sauce, too weak to move, but still terribly aware of Heathcliff looking down at it, not even with hunger, just with cool, heavy-lidded detachment. He would be eating that last blackbird, oh yes. In his own time. In his own time.

Spider-Man, 10/3/13

You can’t even imagine how happy I am to see Spider-Man smugly announce he’s going to use one of his bona fide superpowers, and then fail really ostentatiously, while producing a hilarious “NHHHNN” noise. It’s like they wrote this strip just for me! “I loosened it for you” is what you say as a joke when you try and fail to open a pickle jar and then someone else opens it easily, by the way. Anyway, I hope that our poor sad-eyed webbed-up guard was able to derive at least a little bit of satisfaction from this whole scene.