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The Phantom, 10/23/15

“He looks like my son, but…! This young man is busy feeding his mind and imagination, whereas my son is a notorious dullard who would stuff this sandwich mindlessly into his maw, dribbling mayonnaise all over the delicate, ancient tomes!”

Apartment 3-G and Beetle Bailey, 10/23/15

NOOOO BEETLE DON’T IGNORE SYMPTOMS

IT’S TOO LATE FOR MARGO BUT IT’S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU

Herb and Jamaal, 10/23/15

Jamaal is straight-up gonna fuck that jar of water, flour, and yeast.

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Herb and Jamaal, 9/28/15

Pretty sure the word you’re looking for is “beneficiaries,” there, my friend! Or maybe not? Maybe this poor fellow has become ensnared in some diabolical scheme that he agreed to when he was young and foolish, when sinister figures offered to lavish gifts upon him so long as he named them in his life insurance policy, knowing, through devilishly accurate actuarial science, that their investment would be profitable. Now he’s a living financial product, the revenues arising from his demise already securitized and sold as tranches to overseas investors in China and Dubai, and everyone is just waiting as his clock ticks inevitably down.

Apartment 3-G, 9/28/15

This is amazing. I am genuinely in awe of this. Imagine that you had asked me, “Hey, Josh, this storyline, where Margo crossed a psychic and was behaving erratically and didn’t recognize her former fiance, who had sensed that she was in danger with his psychic Tibetan mind powers — can you come up with a super boring resolution for it?” Never in a million years would I have settled on “I dunno … something glandular, maybe?” I wouldn’t have had the nerve.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/28/15

I also would never have predicted that the “Other Woman” DVD would feature Lisa telling Les’s future partner that, yeah, Les is going to shout “LISA!” while you’re fucking, and that Cayla would watch this and smile a little smile and think, yeah, he does, that’s classic Les. I mean, it’s pretty obvious in retrospect that this was how this might go down, but I probably wouldn’t have been able to force myself to think about it long enough to reach that natural conclusion. I’ve barely been able to hold it together and type this paragraph.

Momma, 9/28/15

You know, the Met has very little contemporary art, so look on the bright side, Momma: at least your son isn’t some kind of eternal undead demon.

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Archie, 9/25/15

Archie’s whole shtick is of course to present a false and corrosive nostalgia for a bygone era that downplays any and all negative aspects of generic mid-20th century high school life, but it’s rare to see the strip get self-aware like this. Principal Weatherbee eats the lunch created in an industrial kitchen from mass-produced staple ingredients, which is the only way to feed a school full of children and staff efficiently and within the shrinking budget allotted. “It’s not like my mon used to make!” Weatherbee declares, failing to mention that for his mother preparing food for even a small family took hours and hours every week.

Dennis the Menace, 9/25/15

You know, I’d like to think that my blog is proof that cultural criticism can effect social change. Certainly Dennis has seen a real menacing uptick lately, and I’m going to take the credit and assume this is a reaction to my years-long campaign to point out how non-menacing he’s been. “Wow, Mom, you kissed me and I felt nothing. No healing, no comfort, nothing.” Pretty sure things children say to their parents don’t get more menacing than that.

Herb and Jamaal, 9/25/15

Moses also died before the people he led arrived at their destination! What I’m trying to say this could be the most emotionally affecting Herb and Jamaal storyline yet, after which they’re going to have to change the name of the strip.