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Zits, 3/11/08

Today’s Zits disturbed and horrified me — not, I hasten to add, because there’s something wrong with a woman of a certain age (or any age, for that matter) dancing around in such a fashion as to cause her bosoms to jiggle and sway. No, my gripe is in how said breasts are depicted. The rightmost Connie is depicted frozen in a moment in time and leaning back, presumably as she dances to the music; in a world governed by the laws of physics as I understand them, her breasts should themselves be at the top of their gentle arc, perhaps raised up a bit from the rest of her chest. Instead, they appear to be wriggling around as she stands motionless, as if they were the tentacles around the mouth-parts of Cthulu, an illusion made all the more real by the fact that there seem to be six of them. If I saw such a thing on the front of any human female, let alone my mother, I too would beg for hysterical blindness.

Cathy, 3/11/08

Speaking of nameless horrors, there’s something unsettling about today’s Cathy, and not in the usual way, either. What exactly does Irving mean by “a person like you”? And why is Cathy standing in front of some kind of inky black portal in the final panel? “I know! That’s why I can’t go back!” she proclaims, terrified of the unspoken but no doubt awful fate that awaits her at the demonic so-called “gym”. But it doesn’t matter that she refuses to go — the darkness is looming behind her, threatening to swallow her up.

For Better Or For Worse, 3/11/08

Man, check out Liz’s face in that final panel. She looks pretty pleased with herself, doesn’t she? Remember, fellas: Nothing can bring a woman to orgasm faster than explaining carefully, with careful attention to the grammatical case of your relative pronouns, that you respect and value and her autonomy.

Meanwhile, Anthony is driving ever closer to the secluded clearing where he disposes of the bodies.

Dennis the Menace, 3/11/08

This may seem on the surface to be more run-of-the-mill submenacing, but what if by “I beat the sun up again” Dennis means not “I woke up before sunrise” but “I bested the sun in hand-to-hand combat”? You have to admit that if an eight-year-old kid managed to pummel our sun, which is 800,000 miles in diameter and has surface temperature of 9 million degrees, into submission, that would be pretty menacing — both because it would be a bad-ass achievement in and of itself and because it would send our planet’s temperature plunging close to absolute zero, killing all life on its surface. Henry and Alice will barely have time to bestir themselves before the very atmosphere freezes solid!

Herb and Jamaal, 3/11/08

I have to admit that I find the little puff of smoke hovering over the toaster in the first two panels of this strip totally adorable! It’s like the toaster is angry! Possibly because it has to just sit there and listen to this ancient, horrible joke.

Crankshaft, 3/11/08

Ha ha, the old lady slipped on the ice, probably seriously injuring herself! Man, I can’t wait to see how this barrel of laughs develops.

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Gil Thorp, 2/25/08

Every once in a while Gil Thorp is seized by some sort of conviction that it is read and beloved by teenagers across the land. The reality, of course, is that its audience surely consists mostly of ironic twenty- and thirtysomething hipsters, which is why new artist Frank Bolle’s decision to draw all the teenage characters as if they were in their twenties and thirties is actually quite clever. But anyway, sometimes the strip feels a need to churn out an afterschool special style Very Special Storyline to educate and enlighten its imaginary high school aged audience. Longtime readers of this blog no doubt remember homeless high school basketball star storyline from a couple of years ago; during the period in the late ’90s and early ’00s when the strip was written by Jerry Jenkins (yes, that Jerry Jenkins), there were also plots involving abortion and a Jewish football player who wouldn’t play on the Sabbath.

Anyway, for some time now the A-Train storyline has been transparently leading up to this shocking revelation: Andrew’s been raising his little siblings alone, for some reason! I’m really looking forward to finding out the why of this, and one can only hope it involves Andrew murdering his parents with an axe. Whatever it is, it still won’t explain why he’s a spit-curled horse-faced egomaniacal jerky jerk.

Herb and Jamaal, 2/25/08

Some might see this bizarre reference to “girly-girl troopers” as more typical Herb and Jamaal nonspecificity, but I believe that instead it’s an attempt to avoid angering the Girl Scouts with any implication that they might be drug dealers. Which, frankly, is a smart move. You do not want to piss off the Girl Scouts. You’re liable to wake up with a bunch of Tagalong crumbs in your bed and a blood-red fleur-de-lys spray-painted across the front of your house.

Mark Trail, 2/25/08

WHAMMO! Another fine fist o’ justice dished out by Mark Trail! And a particularly artful one too, I must say, with his jacket billowing out manfully behind him as beardo Brice goes down in defeat. I am curious, though, about just who these Mark-allies are circling the scene in their Pan Am Clipper flying boat. They’re clearly familiar with his knuckle sandwich work, as that’s how they’ve managed to identify him from their great height. Could it be that Andy and his hastily scrawled note has already managed to reach The Community, and this is the rescue squad? Since it’s been, what, about twenty minutes since Andy fled into the woods, one would have to question why Mark’s rescuers couldn’t have simply walked there.

Apartment 3-G, 2/25/08

Woo-hoo, Jones the Beatnik is back! Ever since his first appearance, Jones has been one of A3G’s greatest supporting characters, not least because his soul patch and super-groovy vest make it easy to distinguish him from other males in the strip. Plus his appearance always presages some kind of binge on Alan’s part — another reason to root for him.

Slylock Fox, 2/25/08

Good lord, it’s another representative of the sexy Cat clan! Although Keesha spells her last name with a “K” and is apparently on the side of good (or at least on the side of victim rather than perpetrator) so perhaps she’s trying to keep her distance from Cassandra and Carla. Also, I’m not sure exactly what kind of life form the “witness” is supposed to be, but he’s clearly evolved extra-long arms and index fingers for more effective snitching.

Marvin, 2/25/08

Five days after it began, the grim death march that is “Belly Laffs” continues. So far, every single one of these priceless gems of humor has boiled down to “You know you’re pregnant when you get fat.” I can’t believe I’m writing this, but: hey, Marvin, I’ve heard that pregnant women also get weird food cravings and have morning sickness and sometimes are constipated! Perhaps you could cover some of that territory?

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Herb and Jamaal, 2/22/08

Yeah, Herb! Those jeans are much beloved by people Ezekial’s age! You know, people younger than 18! People who are still in school, and live at home, and aren’t yet legal adults! If only there were some kind of handy word that could describe people who fall into that category … but what could it be?

Actually, this weird circumlocution is yet another instance of Herb and Jamaal’s quest for total timeliness. When I watched It’s A Wonderful Life again this Christmas, I was struck by just how damn high up Jimmy Stewart wore his the waistband of his pants in the scenes where he’s supposed to be in his early 20s — just like old men puttering around nursing homes wear them today. It made me realize that the ludicrous styles your parents make fun of when you’re 16 are the exact same ludicrous styles your grandchildren will be making fun of when you’re 75. In other words, come 2050 or so, all the legacy Herb and Jamaal artist will need to do is erase the mustache on Herb and add it to Ezekial and WHAM! Instant up-to-the-minute relevance, with all the dialog the same!

Mary Worth, 2/22/08

It’s a good thing Mary is such a master meddler, as no mere tyro could have possibly pulled off this awesomely convoluted platitude. Seriously, it took two panels to execute in full. I’d love to see it in cross-stitch.

Dick Tracy, 2/22/08

Ha ha, Louise Brooks, the jig is up! You should have known that by selling supplies to so-called “artists,” you’d eventually attract the attention of an honest lawman like Dick Tracy! He’ll make you pay for enabling the depiction of the human form in somewhat abstract ways!

Six Chix, 2/22/08

Most pointless second panel ever. That … that’s pretty much how a frequent buyer card works. Yup.