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Mary Worth, 3/21/18

Good lord, I love how angry Wilbur looks in the second panel of this strip. How dare anyone write into his advice column complaining about loneliness when he, Ask Wendy himself, is the lonely one? The loneliest one? Let me ask you this, Ask Wendy advice seeker: were you grifted and betrayed by your hot Colombian lover, only to come home to discover that your ex, who you had dumped for said hot Colombian and who you assumed was eagerly waiting for you to come back to her, had instead gotten together with some hot dude who’s twenty years younger than you and also fabulously wealthy? Were you abandoned by your daughter, who’s leaving to spend months in Italy with some non-tenure-track academic who she isn’t even fucking? You’ve got a lot of nerve thinking you have problems worthy of America’s greatest part-time syndicated (?) advice columnist!

Dick Tracy, 3/21/18

It’s not luck that Dick Tracy survived his brutal dragging, doc; it just wasn’t his time. Call it fate, call it divine intervention, call it what you will: the point is that God wants a lot more violent deaths, and Dick Tracy is His instrument, carrying them out without remorse and with the full force of the state behind him.

Funky Winkerbean, 3/21/18

Naturally, Chester the Chiseler’s agenda for Darin and Mopey Pete is that he wants them to head up the new comic book company he wants to launch with his comics-collecting riches, and naturally they’re a little bit reluctant to do so, though the fact that they left the tenuous, low-paying world of print comics for big-budget superhero movie riches weirdly never comes up. I like this strip because the second and third panels illustrate the Funkyverse pessimism spiral perfectly. First, Pete points out, quite reasonably, that launching an entirely new franchise of comic books is a risky proposition, especially as the new company won’t have established beloved characters it can use to provide baseline revenue. But then Darin starts yammering about how everything is doomed to failure from the moment of creation and my god man we’re walking corpses, each and every one of us

Hi and Lois, 3/21/18

I had a whole post ready to go about how it’s weird that Hi and Lois wouldn’t even tell the twins about a gift from their grandparents, and that maybe Hi’s parents are estranged from the Flagstons and send a card every year to their grandchildren, trying to maintain that relationship, but Hi and Lois never show it to kids and have told them that they’re dead, but then I got to the second panel, where Trixie is contemplating the economic structure that the terrifying society of crows lurking on the front yard employs and I realized the family has much bigger problems.

Mark Trail, 3/21/18

I don’t know about you, but I’m definitely getting a villanous vibe from Mr. Marlin Creed from the Eden Gardens Zoo for some reason. What do you think his angle is? Do you think he’s going to try to eat that elephant? Is the “Eden Gardens Zoo” just what he calls his restaurant, where serves up delicious elephant meat to his discreet and well-heeled clientele?

Gil Thorp, 3/21/18

So the Social Justice Teens are planning on providing their own coverage of Milford basketball games that will serve as an alternative to Marty Moon’s racist on-air banter. The only flaw in the plan is that they … don’t know anything about sports? CHECKMATE LIBERALS

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Hi and Lois, 3/18/18

A lot of previously underground gay subcultures have become pretty well known in recent years to the American mainstream, but that doesn’t mean that the mainstream always fully “gets it.” For instance, “Thirsty” Thurston is many things, but he’s not a bear. He’d have to be a lot hairier, for one thing.

Family Circus, 3/18/18

“Thank goodness, Dolly finds reading incredibly boring! It’ll be much easier to keep her from seeking out knowledge from outside the Keane Kompound this way.”

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Hi and Lois, 2/22/18

I’ve always understood the “mood” in “mood music” to be arousal, and that the point of “mood music” is to get one or more parties in the “mood” for sex. So I’m sad to report that Hi has so lost his sense of joie de vivre that he now needs musical assistance to follow through with one of his great joys in life: jerking off to Golf magazine and then falling asleep on the couch.

Mary Worth, 2/22/18

I guess we’re going to do this thing where Mary and Ted continue to talk as if they’re having a normal business conversation while Mary slowly but methodically shatters all the bones in his wrist, and I frankly am here for it!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/22/18

Literally this entire week of Rex Morgan, M.D., has been a bunch of teenagers talking about eating lunch, so you’d think by the time they finally got to the climactic panel where a teen bites into a sandwich, they’d be ready to make it look like a normal human would look biting into a fully edible sandwich made of normal sandwich materials. Turns out nope!