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HELLO EVERYBODY! Thank you all for being so well-behaved while your beloved Uncle Lumpy was here and in charge! I’m back from my journey and what did I find in the mail when I returned home but some FABULOUS MAGNETS from MAGNET-MEISTER MATT CROWE!

Those of you who have been patiently awaiting magnets (and possibly tote bags) since the spring fundraiser will be getting yours soon! They’ll be in the mail by the end of the week.

Anyway! Let’s get back to what we’re all here for: comics in which a shark is covered in bleeding open sores!

Mark Trail, 7/29/15

Ha ha, that last image is … something, right? Like, last we saw this shark, it just had some mild scarring, but now it’s just straight-up bleeding all over the place. Who knew nature could be so gross! I did, actually, which is why I never go outside if it all possible and shriek like a terrified child if some non-human lifeform manages to get into my house.

Apartment 3-G, 7/29/15

Oh, hey, don’t forget that before Greg was Margo’s boyfriend, he and Lu Ann went on a some dates and did some weird sex (?) stuff, which Margo claimed a little too loudly not to care about. Should we stoke those fires of jealousy for plot-engine purposes again, only much more confusingly, in keeping with Apartment 3-G 2015 style? Sure, why not!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/29/15

Yesterday, Past Lisa was finally on the verge of figuring out that Future Lisa is Dead Lisa, which means that today we’re cutting quickly over to … Past Les. Because remember, the most important thing about Lisa is that she died/will die, and the most important thing about her death is how it affected/will affect Les. Verb tenses get weird when time travel is involved, but some things are eternal.

Hi and Lois, 7/29/15

“Try not to make noise. The Skinner Box experiment is reaching day five, and while all of Trixie’s material needs have been met, we don’t want her knowing that other human beings exist outside her enclosure. It will mess up the data.”

Marvin, 7/29/15

Speaking of babies who should be placed into isolation chambers, Marvin is visiting a farm, I guess? Ha ha, the joke is that Marvin is like a disgusting, filthy animal! Sometimes I think this strip hates its title character almost as much as I do.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/25/15

Ahh, vacation time with the Morgans — two weeks of nothing but free food, drink, and fishing-themed sexual innuendo.

Dick Tracy, 7/25/15

Wave roses around, covet Space Coupes, brand a few minions on the face with a “B” and it won’t be long before people ask, “Say, do you suppose this ‘Mr. Bigg’ is actually beloved insane villain ‘Mr. Bribery’ from Dick Tracy’s beloved insane “Descent into Madness” period, the mid-1960’s?” Bribery was supposed to have died on June 26th, 1967, but today’s Bigg Reveal casts doubt on that.

Bribery is a bad man even by the standards of Dick Tracy villains, and let me tell you that’s pretty bad. You can read for yourself about his exploits, cigar-smoking cat, and much more on the lovingly maintained and informative Dick Tracy Wiki.

Bribery has long been obsessed with getting hold of a Space Coupe, even though the only one now in human hands was last seen carrying Dr. Sail, Dr. Ghote, “pilot” Flash Munro, no food or water, and very little oxygen toward Jupiter on a collision course. So that one’s probably out of reach. Kidnapping Diet Smith to build him a new one is Plan “B” (bwahaha).

Hi and Lois, 7/25/15

Hi’s wife is his boss. Thirsty’s wife is his enemy. Hypothesis: Thirsty and Irma are happier than Hi and Lois, and enjoy far better sex.

— Uncle Lumpy

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Crankshaft, 7/2/15

OK, wait, HOLD UP, the lady in the wheelchair who was glumly gathering signatures last week is the waitress from the diner? The one who generally regards Crankshaft and his gaggle of almost certainly ill-tipping friends with mingled contempt and ennui? The one who, I’m really pretty certain, is standing up when she’s serving them endless free coffee refills? Did I miss a pretty major plotline, or is Ralph’s campaign trotting out a fake paralyzed woman to drum up support for his plan for wasteful government spending on roads that are already perfectly good?

Hi and Lois, 7/2/15

Being a syndicated newspaper cartoonist isn’t as influential a gig as it once was, but one thing’s still true: if you think you got screwed by a service worker, you sure get to tell a lot of people about it.