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Apartment 3-G, 3/13/15

Good news, everyone! Skyler got the part in the next James Bond movie! Remember Skyler, who hired Margo as a publicist after she already appeared in the last James Bond movie, opposite Margo’s ex-boyfriend? Nobody’s ever been cast as a Bond Girl two movies in a row, I’m pretty sure, so this is good news, and would be a real coup for whoever her publicist is! (Skyler’s publicist is a woman who is currently drifting through a baffling, grumpy dreamscape version of Manhattan, where you could encounter a high-profile movie star hanging out sans entourage in an all-night diner and then wander off just seconds after you arrive for no good reason.)

Family Circus, 3/13/15

The best part of this panel is how damn smug Big Daddy Keane looks. “Gosh, Billy, this card is an easy method to pay merchants everywhere! Looks like someone isn’t connected to the modern international banking infrastructure!”

Mary Worth, 3/13/15

The best part about this strip is Sean’s look of heavy-lidded disdain in panel two. “Wait, we’re taking who to the what now? But I’m enjoying my latest issue of Mysterious Twins Digest! Ugh, I knew I shouldn’t have married a woman who needs me to drive her everywhere.”

Hi and Lois, 3/13/15

The best part about this strip is how happily bombed Hi looks in panel three. “Ha ha, I know you’re only softening me up because you have something terrible to tell me, but I don’t care! God damn, I love being drunk!”

Pluggers, 3/13/15

Pluggers may be simple, down-home country folk, but it takes an advanced multibillion-dollar pharmaceutical industry to keep them alive.

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Gil Thorp, 2/23/15

So this Gil Thorp storyline is focused on fake (?) Adderall dealing now, but I still pine for a simpler time, when it mostly about Max Bacon™ colluding with Marty Moon to improve his #brand. It’s nice to see Marty is up for promoting Max via dumb bacon-themed catchphrases; once the Adderall scandal comes out, Marty will presumably face as many consequences for hyping this artificially hyped-up teen as the national sports press did for fawning over the steroid-driven Major League Baseball home run races of the late ’90s and early ’00s, which is to say none.

Beetle Bailey, 2/23/15

Look, everyone who whines that Beetle Bailey is outdated and out-of-touch: here it is featuring a new, hip, up-to-the-moment thing! I’m talking about erotic nose fondling, of course, which is an innovative new sex act being performed in Brooklyn’s hippest neighborhoods right now. Everyone will be doing it in a year or so. Selfie sticks are soooo last month.

Hi and Lois, 2/23/15

Ha ha, it’s funny because Lois can’t feel joy anymore! Hi and Lois undermines its ostensible nature as a family-friendly strip by letting its readers in on a dirty little secret about families: families are terrible.

Mary Worth, 2/23/15

Ooh, so what is Amy’s big news that merits an ?-worthy invasion of Hanna’s personal space? She didn’t get married too, that’s too obvious. I’m guessing that she’s going to tell her mother that little Gordon doesn’t need to be babysat anymore, becuase she’s started dressing him like a tiny adult! Nothing says “I’m a big boy who can take of myself!” like electric blue sansabelt slacks and a matching jacket over a golf shirt.

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Pluggers, 2/21/15

Pluggers remember the days before certain semantic shifts, when several common words conveyed a different set of meanings to most listeners than they convey today! They also remember when at least the outward performance of heterosexuality was mandatory, and thus largely unquestioned. Admittedly, it was easier to avoid such questions back when a hot date consisted of playing a ukelele and sitting two feet apart.

Hi and Lois, 2/21/15

Hi and Lois’s weariness with the entertainment-industrial complex aside, “the Hammies” is a good name for an awards show, but it should be a show where they give awards to actual ham. Like, juiciest ham, best Easter ham, ham of the year, what have you. I would very much watch that awards show.

Apartment 3-G, 2/21/15

“Why does this keep happening? Why do I keep half-recognizing people? It’s like I live in a terrifying nightmarescape where everyone looks more or less the same in general but the actual details of each individual’s face shift and ooze from moment to moment!”