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Mary Worth, 7/13/12

Hello, readers! You might recall the Mary Worth that ran on July 7, 2012, which first mentioned Wilbur’s intention to go on a Mediterranean cruise. I I featured this strip on this blog and, in jest, suggested that our protagonists would soon meet a fate similar to those aboard the Costa Concordia, which famously capsized off the Italian coast this past January. I made this joke not because I was trying to predict future events in the strip (though I’m certainly not above that entertaining game) but because the combination of the hapless Westons and looming disaster seemed funny. I literally did not for a single moment think that the strip actually planned to play this scenario out. And yet, as we are confronted with an awesomely fonted BAM!, it is suddenly clear that this is exactly what’s going to happen.

So, with that in mind, let’s discuss how this plays out. The b-plot has involved Mary earnestly asserting that the many depressives writing into Wendy for advice need to not give up on life but instead look for the silver lining in the dark cloud and learn from adversity. My guess is that Dawn responds to disaster with heroics, or at least some mild bit of integrity, and learns valuable lessons about her own self-worth. Still, for today at least I can fantasize about her watching Wilbur floundering as his weird hairy green suit jacket grows increasingly waterlogged. “Life is brutal,” she says, as she watches his four combover hairs sinking into the sea, one by one.

Apartment 3-G, 7/13/12

I’m reasonably sure that the garment that Tommie is taking off in panel one here is the weird thing with the collar she buttons up to the top and has been wearing all week, and that she’s just now taking it off because she’s really going to get down to whatever business it is that requires gloves. But I’d like to believe that she actually left for an hour to get a sandwich or something and is just now wandering back in and taking her jacket off. “So, did I miss anything? Still exhausted and in pain?”

Hi and Lois, 7/13/12

“Look forward to terrible, chronic pain, son! It’s the c-i-i-i-i-r-c-l-e of l-i-i-i-fe…”

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Momma, 7/5/12

Momma owns a bottle of some kind of incredibly fast-acting and powerful pesticide, which is no doubt highly toxic to all living things that come in contact with it (e.g., Francis, Momma).

Wizard of Id, 7/5/12

This lady is “keeping her husband on his toes” by threatening to have immolated alive.

Hi and Lois, 7/5/12

Ditto can control the weather, or perhaps the very flow of time itself, with his mind, but isn’t really very good at it.

Spider-Man, 7/5/12

Something about the crazed madman who sent a theaterful of people running in terror and incapacitated her super-powered husband frightens Mary Jane.

Shoe, 7/5/12

Shoe is really kind of a dick.

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Dick Tracy, 7/4/12

Oh, what’s that, Communist? You’re just a little too busy on this July 4th Freedom America day to admire the US flag? Dick Tracy would like to have some words with you. He’s in the middle of a bloody shootout with Mr. Crime’s gang, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have time to find an enormous American flag and salute it! Those explosions behind him aren’t fireworks; they’re actual gunfire. Dick Tracy won’t let mortal danger get in the way of his patriotism!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/4/12

How great is America? So great that everyone, even non-human primates, are trying to gain entry by any means necessary.

Luann, 7/4/12

Not that we should just open the floodgates to baboons, or, worse, Australians. Luann and Quill finally advanced from endless flirting to light making out, and within minutes, the U.S. government moved to deport his entirely family, making sure that he keeps his filthy foreign paws off of virtuous American girls.

Mary Worth, 7/4/12

Meanwhile, Wilbur has only been out of America’s nourishing atmosphere for a few days, and already he’s degenerating into a sadistic monster. “Imagine the history of this place! Gladiators stood here thousands of years ago, savagely murdering one another, or attacking innocent victims persecuted for their political or religious beliefs, or being torn to pieces by wild beasts … all for my amusement! I can almost smell the blood!”

Hi and Lois, 7/4/12

Back home, the Flagstons clearly believe that America’s independence is best celebrated as far from their fellow Americans as possible.