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Hi and Lois, 6/15/20

An aspect of Hi and Lois I’ve always enjoyed is how Irma and Thirsty are the Goofuses to the title couple’s Gallants. Like, they live in the same neighborhood, have the same class positioning (Thirsty and Hi are coworkers at the same generic white-collar office!) but the Thurstons always seem much worse off, financially and, of course, emotionally. Look at Irma! Look at how haggard she looks. “Why do we need wine at the book club?” she’s asking, because she’s clearly been drinking all day.

Beetle Bailey, 6/15/20

Too many people won’t read print media any more and it’s a damn shame! They’re missing out on vital news stories such as “People Like Dogs.” Oh, sorry, you need to phrase that with journalistic objectivity: “People Like Dogs, Some Say”.

Mark Trail, 6/15/20

“Other times they just get straight-up eaten by a bear! Yes, life is a rich tapestry.”

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Hi and Lois, 5/19/20

Sure, Amazon has cut out the middelman between publishers and readers, turning books into a low-cost mass commodity, but there’s still a space for true aficionados to browse carefully curated collections of fine novels, like [squints] John Grisham’s latest legal thriller, Camino Winds! Only the personal touch of a true bibliophile can connect you with that sort of enriching literature!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/19/20

Hmm, Truck looks a little dubious about this offer, doesn’t he? He knows that most of his fans are middle-aged dudes in loud print shirts who obsess over the distinctions between similar musical genres like Buck. Do we really want them gathering together, in “clubs,” and starting to realize their power and numbers? Sure, it would help Truck financially … but at what cost?

The Lockhorns, 5/19/20

Good news, everybody! The Lockhorns are getting divorced!

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Mary Worth, 4/30/20

Ha ha, well isn’t this … incredibly convenient, for everybody! Remember back a few months ago, when Hugo was going to leave town and Dawn was devastated, just devastated, and, after feigning nonchalance, Hugo ended up feeling just as strongly about her, running back from the airport to be with her and deciding to give a long-distance relationship a shot? Welp, it seems that all was based on a wild misunderstanding of their own emotions: turns out they were just horny, and now that they’ve found more convenient people to do sex on, they can cheerfully move forward with their separate lives, with no hard feelings or tough questions like “Hey, wait, if I hadn’t said anything, when were you planning on telling me about this chick in Paris?”

Hi and Lois, 4/30/20

Big news: thanks to advanced DNA analysis, police have arrested a suspect in the so-called Chomping Murders, and it’s Cookie Monster from Sesame Street. This is of course shocking to all his young fans, but the important thing is that this menace is now behind bars, and the families of the victims will begin to find closure.