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Judger Parker, 5/4/19

I’m trying to remember exactly to what degree Sam and/or Abbey’s fingerprints would be on any aspect of the Great Norton Caper (in which, just to remind you, Judge Parker Emeritus helped April’s dad fake his death) that’s about to be revealed in a tell-all book, and honestly? I’m not sure that there are any! Which is great — for Sam. He can just quietly hang up the phone and then go back to planning how to charge the rubes $250 a night on AirBnB to stay in Marie’s old servant’s hovel ($175 if they just want to sleep in the horse barn), and start practicing saying “Judge Parker? Judge Parker? Doesn’t ring a bell.”

Mark Trail, 5/4/19

God bless Mark Trail for dedicating an entire day’s strip for establishing how theatrically sleepy all its characters are! The only one missing is JJ. I certainly hope come Monday he gets a whole strip to himself to stretch ostentatiously.

Gil Thorp, 5/4/19

Not gonna lie, folks: I personally relate to few people in the comics more than the guy in panel one, who tried to come up with something complimentary to say to a pretty, popular girl on the softball team and ended up blurting out “Way to … mash … the ball” as he awkwardly high-fives her in the hallway. He’s gonna be thinking about that for years to come.

Hi and Lois, 5/4/19

Hi, she’s … she’s right there, man

I’m pretty sure she can hear you

Not cool

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/24/19

Hey, occasional Rex Morgan readers! Remember Edward, the cruel bully who pulled an “Emperor’s New Clothes” on Sarah’s art, but then Sarah raised up a rebellion against him, and then later Sarah got amnesia and then Edward became nice and protected Sarah, after she had to go to a public school? Well, I guess we’re back to another story about how bullying is bad, and also how the only thing that can stop a bad bully is a good bully, a good, huge bully who can just beat the ever-loving crap out of the bad bully, for justice.

Hi and Lois, 4/24/19

Gotta love how depressed Hi looks in this strip! At first you might think that it’s because Trixie doesn’t appreciate all the hard work he’s done to clean the windows and just foolishly attributes the stronger light coming into the house to “sun vitamins.” But of course, in-universe, the other Flagstons can’t “hear” or otherwise perceive the dialogue in Trixie’s thought balloons, because otherwise they’d know that they have a baby capable of fully adult cognition and they’d probably be much more freaked out. No, Hi is just depressed because chores suck and he doesn’t want to do them.

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Hi and Lois, 4/23/19

Wow, Hi is looking rough in that second panel. I’m assuming he failed to put the trash out last night because he was in the midst of receiving a brutal beating. Or maybe he’s contracted a fatal disease! Point is, he’s dying.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/23/19

Is the “joke” in today’s Funky Winkerbean supposed to be about Darrin and Mopey Pete charging people for their labor on Free Comic Book Day? Or is it about how nobody wants to talk to Les about his maudlin, depressing graphic novel, even though it’s a handsome hardback book and getting it for free is a $24.95 value. I sure hope it’s the second one. Definitely what made me cackle with glee was seeing Les sitting there awkwardly, fingers interlaced, waiting for someone to talk to him but nobody actually talking to him. I couldn’t give a shit about Darrin and Mopey Pete, to be real, but I definitely am here for Les Moore suffering.

Six Chix, 4/23/19

So, in our eternal reward in the afterlife, we don’t need to wish for things, presumably because we’ll just have them, but we’ll still be bald or need glasses or whatever and also we’ll still be keeping track of our ages, even though glorious eternity stretches out before us? This seems [does that laugh-snort like a nerd who’s just spotted an inconsistency with canon in a Star Trek episode] highly illogical [keeps laugh-snorting in an attempt to keep at bay the true unknowability of what happens to our consciousness, our very self, after the end of this short life]