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Mark Trail, 5/4/15

Oh, sure, the forest is burning to the ground, but that doesn’t mean Mark and and Wally can’t take some time for a little beaver-trapping antics, which, frankly, I wish we had gotten to see over the next six to twelve strips rather than just having them elided between panels one and two here. Still, I’m definitely intrigued by Mark’s eagerness to get those beavers home to Rusty. Like, he really wants to get some beavers home to Rusty. Dude’s got humane traps in his car at all times. Did he realize that he’d encounter some beavers on his adventures today? No, but you never know when good luck’s going to strike.

Not really sure why Mark feels compelled to mention Rusty at all here, to be honest. I’m assuming he’s either going to feed the beavers to Rusty or feed Rusty to the beavers.

Dennis the Menace, 5/4/15

Wow, Dennis, thanks a lot for making me (a) immediately think to myself “Hey, Big Bird doesn’t fly,” (b) imagine Big Bird climbing up onto the roof of the Mitchells’ car and squatting there, and (c) Googling “does big bird have a cloaca”. A-plus menacing today, I mean it.

Judge Parker, 5/4/15

“So she wants to conquer space, right? Conquer space for the French? I don’t pay much attention to current events but my understanding is that’s how it works.”

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Crock, 5/3/15

Though Crock is pretty obviously supposed to take place in some version of the French Foreign Legion in some version of colonial North Africa, it’s pretty rare to get explicit clues like the French tricolor flying from the fort here. Today we learn that in a desperate attempt to hold onto its crumbling empire, France is employing child soldiers! Shame!

Blondie, 5/3/15

As excuses to hide a secret extramarital affair go, I would rate “oh no I was working on a complicated jigsaw puzzle with my male friend and we lost track of time look ha ha here are some puzzle pieces in my pocket, I’m definitely not making this up” as fairly unbelievable.

Mary Worth, 5/3/15

This week in Out-Of-Context Quotes From Inappropriate People That Arrived In Mary Worth Via Brainyquote.com Probably: self-described “transgressional fiction” author Chuck Palahniuk, most famous for writing Fight Club! Very excited to learn at the end of this two-week trial period whether Adam is a figment of Terry’s imagination or vice-versa.

Judge Parker, 5/3/15

Oh, hey, in all the excitement over Sophie’s dreams of warlordship, I forgot to mention how the whole confrontation with Dalton turned out! How it turned out was this: Sam offered to set up some kind of Skype connection so that Dalton could watch his daughter get married, and Dalton sheepishly calmed down. Now Abbey will have to pretend to enjoy watching this poor-person affair on the trailer park’s TV, assuming Sophie doesn’t decide to bomb it from space.

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Judge Parker, 5/2/15

Say what you will about Judge Parker, but it is not afraid to play the long game. Remember way back in May of 2013, when Sophie casually mentioned that wars interest her? Well, that interest is not just academic. Sophie understands that she’ll probably have to spend a few years on the battlefield to gain experience and cred, of course, but she no doubt rightfully assumes that her coldly calculating intellect will quickly catapult her up the ranks until she’s planning major campaigns from deep in her underground bunker, ordering cities to be wiped out with a mere gesture. Honey Ballenger will be sorry she stole away prevented Sophie from stealing away Derek then, in that brief moment before the flash vaporizes her and everyone she’s ever known.

Momma, 5/2/15

Sure, there are a lot of problems with America’s profit-focused health care system, but look on the bright side: maybe it will kill Momma!

Pluggers, 5/2/15

But

I mean

This is just literally what oral tradition is

You haven’t put a plugger twist on it all

Come on now

Really