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Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/12/11

Oh, hey, it’s beloved Rex Morgan ancillary character Niki, who entered our lives as a sinister purse snatcher but ended up becoming all-too-close with June and Rex alike. Of course, we all remember his polymorphously perverse antics, but we had almost as much fun with his mother, a frighteningly coiffed meth lab assistant who promised to leave illegal drugs behind her if only Rex would give her a job (and a key to the cabinet where all the yummy legal drugs are kept). And, hey, how is Niki’s mom? We sure haven’t heard much from her since the Morgans made their pity hire. This conversation could get awkward real fast if Kelly’s mom ends up replacing her!

Judge Parker, 8/12/11

Ha, Sophie’s very mild little double entendre is actually pretty funny! It sure is a change of pace from this strip’s usual take on sexuality, which generally takes the form of LOOK THIS LADY HAS TITS.

Apartment 3-G, 8/12/11

Wow, Paul, narcissistic much? “Paul, I was just thinking about you! Give me a minute — I just stepped out of the tub, so I’m all naked and dripping wet.” “Gosh, she was thinking about me! I sure am awesome! I like thinking about me too!”

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Baldo, 8/10/11

It took me a moment to figure out that Baldo is supposed to be embarrassed by his family’s ludicrous outfits. I at first assumed that his father subscribed to some religion that operated in a way that was exactly the opposite of most religions and actively opposed shame on general principles. “Baldo, why do you cover your thighs with your sinfully long shorts? Why do you not show the world your package, like I do in my Speedo? It’s what God wants!”

Judge Parker, 8/10/11

You probably don’t remember, what with the exciting last four months of Judge Emeritus Parker getting everything he wants with no effort on his part, but our gal Sophie has a bit of a romantic conundrum, what with there being a boy that she wants but can’t have because he likes some other girl better. Abbey urged Sophie to study the problem in her analytical, borderline Aspergers way, and now she appears to have come up with a solution. Doesn’t she look like a happy young girl in love with a plan to win over the object of her affection? Sure, if taking out the young man and his girlfriend and all of her other classmates in a hail of bullets counts as “winning.”

Mary Worth, 8/10/11

I’m delighted by how much grown-up Gina’s head in panel one looks exactly the same as little-girl Gina’s head in panel two. I certainly hope that whatever family drama we’re about to see unfold involves her parent’s secret horror and disgust at their daughter’s adult skull, perched unnaturally atop her child’s body.

That dinner scene sure is an accurate depiction of life in a cramped New York apartment, what with everyone sitting around four inches from various items of bedroom furniture.

Ziggy, 8/10/11

I was about to make some comment about how Ziggy’s parrot is a paranoid schizophrenic, ranting about how “they” were secretly tracking his every move, but then I realized that it’s really much more likely that Ziggy’s the crazy one, and this is a Son of Sam like situation. “No, he’s the one who told me that they were CIA agents! He’s the one who told me they had to die! Say something!” “SQUAAAAK” “See! See!”

Gasoline Alley, 8/10/11

Sorry I haven’t been keeping you up to date with the pulse-pounding action in Gasoline Alley! I’ve been nervous that it might just be more excitement than you can handle.

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Funky Winkerbean, 8/6/11

Oh, man, did I almost somehow manage to not comment on an entire week of Les grousing and moaning about the fine print on the contract he was forced to sign because sinister Hollywood wants to turn Lisa’s Story into a wacky comedy called Cancer Movie? Here’s the climax of the entire sullen festival of entitlement, in which our hero complains of having been sucked dry by the entertainment industry vampires, who have given him literally nothing in return. Yes, of course a tidy check counts as “nothing.” I’m sure Les barely even cashed it. Are you seriously trying to put a price tag on art? Are you not aware that Lisa died, of cancer?

Anyway, Les, if this is like most Hollywood book options, it was approved by some mid-level studio exec trying to improve his reputation by getting a middlebrow tearjerker out for awards season three years from now, but said exec will be outmaneuvered by other players within the company who have optioned other books, books that can be turned into movies that people might actually pay money to see, so you really don’t have to worry about anything terrible happening to your precious book. If you’re really lucky, when your option is about to expire two years from now, someone at the studio will notice, think, “Huh, who the hell approved this? Enh, better re-up in case it was somebody important,” and send you another check. That should be about the extent of your hopes in this matter.

Judge Parker, 8/6/11

Oh, were you worried that there might be a minor ancillary character in Judge Parker who wasn’t going to be rewarded for their non-efforts with six figures? Well, you can relax.