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Gasoline Alley, 2/13/11

Like the Wizard of Id before it, Gasoline Alley knows that the modern world’s extolling of love and romance will inevitably lead to bestiality.

Judge Parker, 2/13/11

I’m sorry, but if you’re going to wear that hideous checkered suit, it’s probably best to avoid anything that might draw attention to it — like using the word “patterned,” for instance.

Panel from Mary Worth, 2/13/11

The artist of Mary Worth decided to spend an entire panel focused on the title character’s shapely legs today, and while we can only speculate on the motivation behind that choice, it certainly seems worth a mention on this blog, your #1 site for Mary Worth news. Enjoy, everybody!

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Judge Parker, 2/10/11

I need a consult from the Fashion Police on this, because I’ve been spending the last week trying to figure out what exactly the outfit of our latest Judge Parker female guest star is meant to convey. Usually the implication of ladies’ clothes in this strip is fairly straightforward — “I am sinister; here are my breasts” — but Constance Darling, publishing marketing intern suddenly thrust into a position of power, is all over the map, sartorially. Since she’s an intern, I’m assuming she’s supposed to be of college age or at oldest in her early 20s; she’s wearing a long, flowing skirt, strappy high heels, a sort of collegiate-y sweater, a big chunky scarf, big glasses, big earrings, and, of course, a giant yellow peace symbol. Is this someone’s idea of how the young people are dressing? Because I can assure that it is not the way the young people are dressing, unless they’re trying out to star in Doctor Who as the first female Doctor.

Mary Worth, 2/10/11

Now we know why now why Mary shuns the Internet: it’s full of people, talking about their lives, unprompted by Mary’s probing questions, a prospect she finds completely ghastly.

Mark Trail, 2/10/11

Whoops, looks like Kelly Well’s ladyish incompetence has resulted in one of the more hilarious Mark Trail panels in recent memory. It’s too bad Mark isn’t using his recently developed thought-ballooning abilities to let us in on what’s going through his head as he hurtles through the air. “I’m flying! Am I a bird? I always thought I might be a bird! Look, my seagull brother is behind me for my first flight! I love being a bird! I will definitely capture that diamond smuggler no[SPLASH]”

Apartment 3-G, 2/10/11

Based on those arousal lines radiating from Margo’s head, I think we’ve finally learned the easiest way to get her attention: make with the igloo talk. She’s obviously now planning to drag Trey back to her love igloo and ravish him atop a pile of furs (all the better, furs made from adorable animals that Lu Ann would get all sentimental over). They’d drape their yellow scarves over the igloo’s narrow entranceway, to indicate that the igloo is a-rockin’ and that others should under no circumstances come a-knockin’.

Exciting listening opportunity! You are no doubt familiar with Citation Needed, the Tumblr I help maintain that’s all about Wikipedia’s most hilarious prose! Well, it now has a podcast that you’re obviously going to want to listen to. I had nothing to do with this first installment, because I am lazy, so all props go to Conor Lastowka and his cast of guest stars, but I will hopefully be helping out with future installments, about which you will kept in the loop!

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Funky Winkerbean, 2/3/11

In linguistic matters, I am a firm descriptivist rather than a prescriptivist. I believe that many grammatical rules waved about by pedants are poppycock based on Victorian-era grammarians who wanted to make English more like Latin. I also know that all languages slowly change in both grammar and vocabulary — if this weren’t so, we’d all be talking like Shakespeare, or we’d be able to read Beowulf in the original — and fighting against such change is pointless. Still, there are certain neologisms that set me off, and one of them is “quality” used as a synonym for “good.” My old roommate had this same reaction when people used “luck” to mean “good luck,” which I found hilariously overwrought, and I recognize that this is essentially the same linguistic phenomenon, and yet here I am, wanting to strangle Les, even more so than usual. I guess I just associate this use of “quality” with soulless corporate prose, and assumed that as an Important Writer Person Les would reject it with great smugness. I mean, there’s a gas station near where I live that has a huge sign that reads “QUALITY IS NOT AN OPTION — EXPECT IT,” which never fails to make me laugh, and I guess I’m discovering that my standards for Les are a little higher.

In other news, grad school-era Les was some kind of leering, sideburned megalomaniac, and it’s actually rather shocking that Ronnie bothered to seek him out.

Crock, 2/3/11

Since I relentlessly slam on Crock for being unfunny and terribly drawn, I feel obliged to admit that today’s installment actually made me laugh. I kind of love everything about it, from Preppie’s horrified nose-wobbling to the ugly dog’s smug post-obscene-gesture smirk in the final panel. I’m always fascinated by the fact that taboo words or gestures that cannot be depicted in mass media can be described or otherwise conveyed such that the reader knows exactly what’s been censored, like when only the vowels of swear words are blanked out on the radio. Probably the strip would be wholly incapable of depicting a dog giving “the paw” in a way that makes any kind of visual sense, but today at least that weakness is turned into a strength.

Judge Parker, 2/3/11

I dearly hope that our hitherto unseen sexy home-wrecking publicist is at the door, mangled, broken, still wearing her hospital gown, and trailing an IV behind her; she’s come to aggressively mate with a married author, as stipulated in Cheatham House’s standard contract. It would also be funny if that knocking were actually being produced by a woodpecker — a giant, sexy woodpecker.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 2/3/11

Berna, you don’t know the half of it! Look at those stitches across the top of his head — it looks like Dex finally got that brain surgery he always wanted!

B.C., 2/3/11

“Also, describe in graphic detail how his chitinous exoskeleton will shatter the moment the needle hits it!”

Panel from Mary Worth, 2/3/11

I used to love the Internet as well, but with this vision of Internet-apology swimming before me, all untrimmed fingernails and wobbly combed-over hair, I think I’ll destroy all electronic equipment in my house forever. Well played, Mary Worth!